26 Comical Dwight Schrute Quotes From The Office

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The Office Dwight Schrute Quotes

Why We Love Dwight Schrute

Who doesn’t love Dwight Schrute? Though he may be seen as an antagonist to many of our beloved characters from The Office, Dwight has a soft side that is hard not to love.

I personally love Dwight because he is basically a grown-up version of the nerdy kid at school. I find his attention to detail and lack of social skills to be very relatable. At the same time, Dwight has a passion for agriculture, combat and survival skills that makes Rainn Wilson’s character deep and complicated.

Here are our favorite Dwight Schrute quotes from NBC’s The Office. If we missed any of your favorite Dwight Schrute quotes, let us know on social media! Enjoy!

Dwight Schrute Quotes

1. “I am faster than 80% of all snakes.”

2. “Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?”

3. “You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.”

4. “To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this…Maybe they have something against living forever.”

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5. “‘R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.'”

6. “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing.”

7. “Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.”


8. “How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.”

9. “It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.”

10. “When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had absorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.”

11. “There are 3 things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.”

12. “Growing up I performed my own circumcision”


13. “I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.”

14. “You think you’re excited? You should feel my nipples. Boing!”

15. “Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.”

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16. “There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory.”

17. “Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.”

18. “A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.”


19. “Failure of any kind is failure.”

20. “D.W.I.G.H.T. – Determined, Worker, Intense, Good worker, Hard worker, Terrific.”

21. “Ah, humor. I have it, too.”

22. “Can’t a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they’ll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Jeez. When did everyone get so cynical.”

23. “In an ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.”


24. (To Kevin Malone) “Your internet searches were so filthy we had to throw out your computer.”

25. “All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter.”

26. “I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.”

What Did You Think?

We hope you enjoyed our list of Dwitch Schrute quotes. Did we miss any of your favorites? Let us know on social media!

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