28 Crazy Jared Dunn Quotes From Silicon Valley

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Jared Dunn Quotes Silicon Valley

Donald ‘Jared’ Dunn is one of the craziest characters from Mike Judge’s Silicon Valley. He is played by Zach Woods, known for his role as Gabe on the American version of The Office. Jared helps with the business side of Pied Piper. He also seems to have a fondness for Julia Roberts.

On the surface, Jared seems like a complete corporate shill. All he wants to do is support his leader and create the best business possible. However, Jared has a dark and enigmatic past that we only learn about through quick quotes and quips. I can’t imagine what he has been through in his life, but Jared is one hardcore dude.

Today, we want to go over our favorite Jared quotes from Silicon Valley. If we missed any of your favorites, let us know on social media!

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Jared Dunn Quotes From Silicon Valley


Dinesh: You know who else is Canadian? Justin Beiber, the Hiter of music.
Jared: Hitler actually played the bassoon, so technically Hitler was the Hitler of music.

Richard: It may help if, at least for the time being, you pretend to be mad at me.
Jared: I was a world theatre minor at Vassar, but that is one Javanese shadow play that I cannot perform.

Jared: It’s like we’re the Beatles and now we just need our Yoko.
Dinesh: That’s the worst example you could have used.

Erlich Bachman: Are you trying to say ‘bros before hoes’?
Jared Dunn: It’s sexist, but it’s about friendship.

“At Hooli I once saw two engineers get into a fight so vicious they almost made physical contact.” – Jared Dunn

“Did that pussy Jared keep you on hold long? I eat that motherfucker’s lunch every day. No man, I literally eat his food.” – Jared Dunn

“Did you see the conference nook? Just think of the conferences we could have in this nook.” – Jared Dunn

“Gilfoyle’s insults are normally well-crafted, almost poetic, last week he referred to me as ‘Frankenstein’s Bulemic Daughter’.” – Jared Dunn

“Hey Dinesh, do you use that chain to choke your mom while you stick your penis in her butthole?” – Jared Dunn

“I found my biological father in a militia in the Ozarks.” – Jared

“I have booby-trapped the house with corporate resources.” – Donald ‘Jared’ Dunn

“I have a fragile posterior. My aunt used to call me Glasshole.” – Jared Dunn

“I know things have been a bit antagonistic between us. We’ve been like Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan.” – Jared

“I know what it’s like to only be able to rescue half your family.” – Jared Dunn

“I never felt like I was anyone’s bro before. The only people who have used that term with me were assailants.” – Jared Dunn

“I simply imagine that my skeleton is me, and my body is my house and that way I’m always in my home.” – Jared Dunn

“I was the sloppy girl in the discoteque, just twirling and twirling like the night would never end.” – Jared Dunn

“I’ll admit I’m sleep-challenged. I just spent four days trapped in a steel box out in an oil rig full of robot forklifts.” – Jared Dunn

“If you keep screaming your name, it forces the assailant to acknowledge you as a human.” – Jared

“It’s like when somebody says they want to go birding with you, but really they just want to get you alone in the woods so they can take your binoculars.” – Jared Dunn

“I’ve always wanted to be part of a suicide pact.” – Jared

“Maybe we could pick a day and just drench it in hawk urine because the scent of a predator can keep rodents at bay.” – Jared Dunn

“My uncle used to say, ‘You look like someone starved a virgin to death.'” – Jared Dunn

“One large artichoke, extra rare, cup of mayonnaise. I see you still take your snack at three-seventeen.” – Jared (To Gwart)

“Sorry if I scared you. I know I have slightly ghost-like features.” – Donald ‘Jared’ Dunn

Jared Dunn Quotes Silicon Valley

“They actually tried to diagnose me with a wasting disease because of my slender frame.” – Jared Dunn

“We were bros. We. Were. Bros.” – Donald ‘Jared’ Dunn

“You know, a lot of animated characters have rough starts. Early Bugs Bunny cartoons were just garish displays of anti-Japanese hysteria and now he’s the face of Warner Brothers.” – Donald Dunn

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What Are Your Favorite Jared Dunn Quotes?

We hope you enjoyed our list of Jared Dunn quotes from Silicon Valley. Let us know your favorite on social media!

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