Sexual Destiny: 26 American Pie Quotes about Trying to get Laid

All the best American Pie quotes and one-liners!

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american pie quotes

About American Pie

American Pie was a classic coming-of-age comedy released in 1999. It followed a group of high school friends as they navigate their way through the ups and downs of teenage life, including first loves, heartbreak, and the quest to lose their virginity before graduation.

With its relatable characters, raunchy humor, and timeless themes, American Pie has become a beloved staple of pop culture and has spawned numerous sequels and spin-offs. Whether you’re a fan of the original or new to the franchise, American Pie is sure to leave you laughing, cringing, and feeling nostalgic for your own high school days.

From Michelle’s band camp shenanigans to Jim’s first time with a pie, here’s our all-time favorite American Pie quotes and one-liners.

RELATED: 15 Movies like American Pie for Epic Nostalgia

Best Moments in American Pie

Best American Pie Quotes

“Oh, and this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my p*ssy.” – Michelle

“I would like to make an announcement. There is a gorgeous woman masturbating on my bed.” – Jim

“She’s gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!” – Jim

“We must make a stand, here and now. No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused! We will fight for every man out there who isn’t getting laid and should be. This is our day. This is our time. And, by God, we will not stand by and watch history condemn us into celibacy. Yes. We will make a stand. We will succeed. We will get laid!” – Kevin

“We’ll just tell your mother that… we ate it all.” – Jim’s Dad

“Well, they’re safer than a tube sock…” – Jim’s Dad

“You realize we’re all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.” – Jim

“Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.” – Kevin

Stifler’s greatest American Pie moments

“If Sherman has sex before I do, I’m gonna be really pissed.” – Kevin

“I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it ‘stroking the salami,’ yeah, you know, ‘pounding the old pud.’ I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.” – Jim’s Dad

“I’ll see you guys tonight, in the ‘No Fucking Section,’ right?” – Stifler

“You guys are pathetic. I’m gonna find myself a little hottie. SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL” – Stifler

“I’m a sophisticated sex robot, sent back in time to change the future for one lucky lady.” – Chuck Sherman

“God bless the Internet.” – Finch

“I don’t want any of you boys thinking, that you’re gonna score. You don’t score, until you score!” – Coach Marshall

“Now, do you know what a clitoris is?” – Jim’s Dad

“Did you see ‘The Little Mermaid’ on TV yesterday? Ariel, she’s so hot!” – Jim

“I say, why don’t you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking use them!” – Stifler

The Cast of American Pie
The Cast of American Pie

“She called me and asked for my number.” – Stifler

“Dude, is there anything you don’t jerk off to?” – Oz

“What you need to do is learn how to press a girl’s buttons. You have to give her what she’s never had.” – Jessica

“Confidence is high. Repeat: confidence is high. Sherman is moving to DEFCON 2. Full strategic arsenal – ready for deployment.” – Chuck Sherman

“Relax, take it slow, and let the good times roll.” – Stifler

“Enough of this blow job bullshit. I gotta get laid already.” – Kevin

“Fellas, say good-bye to Chuck Sherman, the boy. I – am now a man. I highly recommend you join the club. We were doin’ the wild thing – all night. I’m exhausted.” – Chuck Sherman

“Boys, boys, boys. I’m on the offensive, the Sherman tank is going back in, locked on target, flying in stealth mode under enemy sex radar, ready to make the payload – again.” – Chuck Sherman

What did you think of these American Pie quotes?

Do you remember any of these American Pie one-liners? Did we miss any of your favorite quotes?
Let us know on social media.

Jim and Michelle meet for the first time in American Pie

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