Dodge A Wrench: 24 Hilarious Dodgeball Quotes

Disclaimer: If you click a PHASR link and make a purchase, at no additional cost to you, we may receive a commission.

Funniest Dodgeball Quotes

About Dodgeball (2004)

For most of us, we are okay at what we do and we are satisfied with what we do for the most part. Then there are those that want to be explicitly good at things and we watch them parade it around like a personality. If this is something you’re going through a good watch of Dodgeball can remind you that it’s all good even if it’s just average.

Dodgeball was written and directed by Rawson Marshall Thurber and stars Vince Vaughn (Peter La Fleur), Ben Stiller (White Goodman), Christine Taylor (Kate Veatch), Rip Torn (Patches O’Houlihan). The film stars many comedy staples. Dodgeball is a story about two gym owners on different ends of how they operate and they crash course as the Globo Gym wants to acquire Average Joe’s.

Now if that was the only premise of the movie, throw that out. Fortunately, they have this battle of gym superiority over the game of dodgeball, in Las Vegas. So grab your popcorn, your soda, and your best pirate accent: Here are our favorite Dodgeball quotes.

RELATED: 18 Of The Best 10 Things I Hate About You Quotes

Funniest Dodgeball Quotes

Gordon: Wait a minute…wait wait wait a minute… How can you be entered in the Las Vegas Open, you didn’t even win a regional qualifying match.
White, mockingly: Oh my god! We didn’t even win a regional qualifying match! Oh yea, now I remember, the dodgeball chancellor is an extremely personal friend of mine and I helped him shed some unwanted poundage before beach season. So you can close your little rulebook on that one, Poindexter.

“We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras and we will…we will…rock you” – White Goodman

“That’s great, make your jokes, Mr. Jokey…Jokemaker. But let me hit you with some knowledge, you should quit now and save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.” – White Goodman

“Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. Nobody!” – White Goodman

“If you’re going to learn to be true dodgeballers, then you’ve got to learn the 5 D’s of dodgeball: Dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge.” Patches O’Houlihan

White: We should Mate
Kate: What?!
White: We should date! I said we should date sometime, you know socially! Go out and kick it!
(Kate vomits in her own mouth.)
White: Are you okay?
Kate: I’m fine, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
White: Hey you know in some cultures they only eat vomit. I never been there, but I read about it, IN A BOOK!

Patches: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
Justin: What?
(Patches throws a wrench and hits Justin in the face.)
Any other questions?
Peter: Yea, uh Patches, are you sure this is completely necessary?
Patches: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter: Probably not.
Patches: No but I do it anyway because it’s sterile and I like the taste.

Cotton: Well it’s all up to Average Joe’s youngest member, he’s GOT to make a play here, Pepper.
Pepper: Word, Cotton.

“Joni loves Chachi!” – White Goodman after hitting Justin with a dodgeball

White: I have shareholders, you haven’t even got…cupholders.
Peter: Why would I want cupholders?

Cotton: This sport doesn’t build character, it reveals it.
Pepper: Effin’ A Cotton, Effin’ A.

Car Wash Purchaser while probing belly button: That’s it boy, get in there nice and deep like.
Peter: Yeah that’s not good.

“You want it don’t you, fat boy?! You want that doughnut, go ahead and have a bite. Just a little bite, one little bite won’t hurt ya.” – White Goodman (before electrocuting himself out of eating a doughnut)

“But remember: Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation. So when you’re picking players in gym class, remember to pick the bigger, stronger kids for your team that way you can all gang up on the weaker ones, like Winston here!” – Patches O’Houlihan

Cotton: $50,000
Pepper: That’ll buy you one heck of a blumpkin.

“Allow me the pleasure to introduce you to Blade, Lazer, Blazer, I believe you’ve met my fitness consigliere MeShell, oh and I almost forgot our last player, meet: Fran Stalinovskovichdaviddivichski” – White Goodman

“If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball!” – Patches O’Houlihan

Cotton: Average Joe’s wins in a shocking upset!
Pepper: I feel shocked!

Peter: If you really think you can come in here and buy me out White, you’re a lot dumber than I thought.
White: Oh, I don’t think I’m a lot dumber than you thought that I think that I thought I was once.

Cotton: Turning Average Joe’s into the proverbial pumpkin.
Pepper: I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.

“Holy hell son you’re about as useful as cock-flavored lollipop!” – Patches O’Houlihan

“Here at Globo Gym, we’re better than you and we know it!” – White Goodman

“L is for Love!” – Gordon

Peter: It’s me, Peter.
Pirate Steve: Oh Peter. Tis about the matter of payment for me membership. Steve be a tad short this month.
Peter: Well that’s alright Steve, just pay me when you get the money.
Pirate Steve: The dread pirate Steve be in no man’s debt, I’ll make a barter with you true as the North Star. In exchange for your kindness, I’ll be splitting me buried treasure with ye haha! Once I find it, that be.

What Did You Think Of Our Dodgeball Quotes?

Thank you for reading our team’s entry for Dodgeball quotes! Did you think we were winning the championship with a blindfold or did we take a wrench straight to the dome? Let us know on social media!

Make The Other Emails In Your Inbox Jealous.

Get The Best Of PHASR Delivered Weekly

The Perfect Shirt For All Your Special Stains.


Get The Best of PHASR Directly To Your Inbox!

When you sign up for the PHASR newsletter,
you are automatically entered to
win free PHASR merch.