25 Best Jake Peralta quotes from Brooklyn 99

Light it up! Here's Jake Peralta's best and worst one-liners from Brooklyn 99.

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jake peralta quotes brooklyn 99

Jake Peralta: The Man, The Myth, The Legend

Brooklyn 99 is filled with all sorts of quirky, damaged and hilarious characters. None are quite so ridiculous as Jake Peralta. Played by comedian/actor, Andy Samberg, Jake Peralta is a Jewish American police detective who works best alone. Or at least he thinks he does.

A fact which his friends (and even his enemies) are quick to remind him is not the case. What really separates Jake from the rest of his fellow cops are his witty one liners delivered in their hilarious glory thanks to Andy Samberg.

Here’s our favourite Jake Peralta quotes from Brooklyn 99. May you incorporate them into your everyday conversations as your brand of English. Nay, your new form of ‘Peralt-ese.’

Best Jake Peralta Quotes from Brooklyn 99

Jake Peralta’s Best Moments

“Never took off the speedo. Big mistake, it is inside me.”

“Oh! Hello sir, how are you today? I am Detective Right-All-The-Time, and this is my partner, Detective Terrible Detective.”

“This job is eating me alive. I can’t breathe anymore. I spent all these years trying to be the good guy, the man in the white hat. I’m not becoming like them. I am them.”

Jake Peralta: Come on man. Just tell me who you are. I need to fill this thing out perfectly, so my boss will get off my back. Are you a minor? How old are you?
Trevor Podolski: 610. I’m a highlander.
Jake Peralta: Okay, you know what? I’m gonna put that in there, and then you’re gonna be tried as an adult highlander. And they’re gonna cut your head off. Is that what you want?

“I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone… Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.”

“I need nothing. I am about to solve the case, meet the mayor, and sell my life rights to Channing Tatum so he can play my less attractive brother in the ensuing film.”

Amy Santiago: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully-dressed?
Jake Peralta: “Kind, Sober, and Fully Dressed.” Good news everyone, we found the name of Santiago’s sex tape.

“You’re a blind cop! How has there not been a made-for-TV movie about your struggles?”

Raymond Holt: Why do you idolize that man and the time he wrote about?
Jake Peralta: Because the 70s were amazing! Everyone had big juicy mustaches and all the clothes were orange… and flammable.

“I’ve got some stories that will make Training Day look like Super Troopers.”

Amy Santiago: Pretty hungover?
Jake Peralta: Shhhhh… turn off your mouth siren…
Raymond Holt: You look like a corpse we just pulled out of the river.
Jake: Wrong – I look like a cool rock star who OD’d in his own pool.

“Why do I have to dress up for Thanksgiving? I don’t even celebrate that stuff. The whole holiday is based on overeating. We should be wearing velvet tracksuits and diapers.”

“It’s like you’re not even trying to confess!”

RELATED: Andy Samberg quotes from Hot Rod (2007 Movie)

Jake Peralta identifies criminal who sings “I Want It That Way”

Jake Peralta: Hello, good sir, I’d like your finest bottle of wine, please.
Liquor Store Attendant: That will be $1,600.
Jake: Great, I’d like your $8-est bottle of wine, please.

Captain Ray Holt: Thank you for coming in on your day off. I know you’d all rather be at home, binge watching media content.
Jake Peralta: Oh! I just started the second season of media content. No spoilers.
Nate Borgio: It was for love!
Detective Jake Peralta: Cool motive, still murder.

Jake Peralta: Sure hope I don’t sprain my arm during the race. ’cause I’m gonna be opening up a lot of doors for Katie on our date. Oh yeah, I’m gonna be a gentleman.
Rosa Diaz: What are you doing, Jake?
Jake: Trash talking you. While simultaneously proving that I will be respectful of your friend, it’s a tough line to walk.

“If you’re here for your $200, can I interest you in a cheque that will definitely bounce?”

Jake Peralta: Pregnant. Nice. Means you had sex.
Amy Santiago: Damn right, I did. And I forgot my birth control. Yeah! I think the belly will draw attention away from my face.
Jake: Smart. Like one big boob.

“I’m sure our hoots pale in comparison to the hoots that you had back in the day. I bet things got supes hoots.”

“All of our worst enemies are here. Brown hair guy. Pony tail lady. Asian Don Cheadle. I refuse to learn their names because it humanizes them.”

Jake Peralta: I know technically I’m not supposed to help out, but rules are made to be broken.
Amy Santiago: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Jake: Uh, piñatas.
Rosa Diaz: Glow sticks.
Jake: Karate boards.
Rosa: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Jake: Rules.

“I wasn’t hurt that bad. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That’s where the blood is supposed to be.”

Jake Peralta: Hey, can you sign this arrest report for Augustine and the buyer?
Amy Santiago: Sure.
Jake: Man, I forgot how long your signature takes. Just gonna watch Braveheart on my phone real’ quick. Given the circumstances, I can see how that might’ve seemed like flirty teasing or something, but I was legit being critical; you have a problem. No, even that sounded like banter now. Alright, there’s only one way out of this for me. I just gotta get super cruel. Prepare to have your physical flaws pointed out, Amy. Talking about your tall butt and your weird elbows.

What did you think of these Jake Peralta quotes?

Have you used any of them in everyday conversation? Is Brooklyn 99 your favourite show?
Let us know on social media.

Jake Peralta Brooklyn 99 Solo Shot

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