Hey Jess: 36 Best Jessica Day quotes from New Girl

All our favourite one-liners from our favourite housemate - Jessica Day.

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Jessica Day QUOTES

About Jessica Day

Jessica Day is a quirky, out-going teacher from the New Girl tv show who will do anything for her friends. Portrayed by American actress, Zooey Deschanel, we meet Jess at the start of New Girl after a break-up with her long term boyfriend. She then moves into a loft with Nick Miller, Winston Bishop and Schmidt. Throughout the New Girl tv show she goes out of her way to help out her new friends, become accepted by them and test how far she can push them to be their best selves.

This results in Jess getting into all sorts of mishaps which demonstrate her caring nature as much as her vulnerabilities. Proving that we all need our own Jess Day in our lives.

Below are some of our all time favourite Jessica Day quotes. Do you have one?

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Best Jessica Day quotes

Jessica Day in glasses
Jessica Day in glasses

“So you know in horror movies when the girl’s like: ‘Oh, my God, there’s something in the basement. Let me just run down there in my underwear and see what’s going on.’ And you’re like, ‘What is your problem? Call the police.’ She’s like, ‘Okay,’ but it’s too late because she’s getting murdered? Well, my story’s kind of like that.”

Schmidt: I’ll be, like, your guide.
Jessica Day: Like Gandalf… through Middle Earth?
Schmidt: Probably not like… okay… first off let’s take the Lord of the Rings references and put them in a deep, dark cave where no one’s going to find them.
Jessica Day: Except Sméagol… He lives in a cave.

Nick Miller: My life’s filled with regret.
Jessica Day: You know, you can’t just pretend like it didn’t happen.
Nick Miller: Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.
Jessica Day: Yeah, I think you should sing all the time.
Nick Miller: No, I was being mean. I’m not gonna do that.
Jessica Day: Why not? It’s fun.
Nick Miller: Because I have a penis.

Schmidt: Can I ask you something?
Jessica Day: You want my help? Sure.
Schmidt: You consider me a sexy man, correct?
Jessica Day: I don’t know how to answer that question.

“Yeah, well, I thought you were the love of my life, so… suck it, Mr. Crabs.”

“I have to get to school, ’cause it’s astronomy day and I’m dressing up like Galileo, so I have to put on my beard.”

Jessica Day: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me he was hung over.
Nick Miller: I totally told you he was hung over. I said he was drunk at the bar and now he’s passed out.

“I can’t go home without a TV. I thought pawn shops were about helping people, and frankly, right now I feel taken advantage of. And I just got out of a long relationship, and I don’t know what I’m doing emotionally, or, let’s be honest, sexually. I’ll just… just get out of here.”

Jessica Day: What’s wrong with me?
Nick Miller: I figured it out. This guy’s your kryptonite. You need to stand up, and you need to fight him.
Jessica Day: I tried to fight him, but I can’t, ’cause I’m powerless.
Nick Miller: ‘Cause you’re not ready to let him go. I think you know deep down, once you get your stuff back, you know, it’s “over” over.
Cece Parekh: I can’t believe I’m actually gonna say this, but… I agree with him.

Jessica Day: I can’t believe I got all my stuff back.
Nick Miller: You did, but most of it’s broken.
Jessica Day: Yeah, it’s broken, but… I don’t know. It’s mine.
Nick Miller: Yeah, but it’s broken.

“He’s so soft, like a towel.”

“She shouldn’t have been flirting with you all night. You can’t be her backup plan. You have to let each other go. So, now you have to make a decision. “Am I gonna stay locked in a photo booth for the next hour, or am I gonna get out there, take my shoes off, and dance my face off?”. Come on, it’s up to you.”

“Look at my new boyfriend. So fancy in his big boy tie.”

“That’s what I love about our relationship. You never let me be myself.”

“I have something from school that, um, made me think of you. It’s a feeling stick. Whoever’s holding the feeling stick has permission to say whatever he or she is feeling without being judged. I’ll go first. Um… I feel like I want to know what you’re feeling.”

Cece Parekh: What is wrong with you? I’m trying to help you here.
Jessica Day: No. I don’t need your help. You don’t know. Nick and I are friends. You don’t know ’cause you don’t have guy friends at all. You just hang out with jerks like Gavin. Oh, I’m sorry, DJ Diabeat it.
Cece Parekh: He has diabetes.
Jessica Day: Oh, he does? Boo-hoo.

Nick Miller: Well, how long is she staying?
Jessica Day: Oh, not long. I know she can be tough to deal with. Sometimes she just calls me up and she’s like, “Bitch, I love you.” And then she just hangs up. No other information.

“Nick, your girlfriend said she’s not a dessert person!”

RELATED: 20 New Girl Trivia Questions and Answers

Jessica Day in court
Jessica Day in court

“I’m gonna cry, too, and where am I supposed to cry? You can’t monopolize the… bathroom crying space.”

“I find it fundamentally strange that you’re not a dessert person… it freaks me out!”

Jessica Day: Can you bring me, like, a bunch of Phillips-head screwdrivers and, like, a Crescent wrench and, like, other tool things?
Winston Bishop: What if I’m busy?
Jessica Day: [laughs] Thank you, Winston. I really needed that.

Jessica Day: How many ears did Daniel Boone have? He had a left ear, a right ear, and a
[suddenly musical]
Jessica Day: Front-ier!
[she and Nick both chuckle]
Jessica Day: Frontier. Get it?
Nick Miller: You don’t get to speak at my funeral.

“The Batmobile doesn’t have this many buttons!”

“I haven’t asked any of you to impregnate me.”

“I wanna give my nipples a purpose!”

“Fertilize me, Los Angeles!”

Nick Miller: Hey, Jess.
Jessica Day: That’s my name! What’s yours? Just kidding, I know what it is. It’s Nick.

“In the meantime, everyone just stay calm. I don’t think the badger is actually rabid. He’s just kind of a dick.”

RELATED: Douchebag Jar – 43 Best Schmidt quotes from New Girl

Jessica Day in her role as our favourite teacher
Jessica Day in her role as our favourite teacher

“Nick, I never thought I’d say this, but I need to be alone with Prince.”

“Have you ever seen sex from above, Cece? It’s horrible. That’s why God thinks it’s a sin.”

Jessica Day: Love is never what you think it’s gonna be, is it?
Nick Miller: No, it isn’t.

Jessica Day: Listen here, you idiot. I’ve known Cece a very long time, and I can promise you the smell will not be a problem.
Nick Miller: That’s really easy for you to say ’cause you’re not the one who’s gonna have to remind her to clean it all the time.
Jessica Day: I promise you, if it becomes a problem, I will remind her.
Nick Miller: Well, if you remind her and she doesn’t do it, I don’t want you sneaking around and cleaning it yourself.
Jessica Day: Nick! I’m a good friend, but I am not that good of a friend.

“Guys, we are in this together. We’re just gonna have to find a house ourselves. I need a project now that my table’s almost done. I’ll be your real estate agent. I’ve already found like 5 open houses today. Like, this one is a fixer upper, but don’t judge a house by its smoke damage.”

“This is in your price range, and it’s like 5 minutes from the loft. I really think this is the best investment for our money right now.”

“I’m gonna go get my gym clothes on. I’m gonna put my push-up bra on. That’s actually not a bra that pushes my breasts up, it’s actually one I do push-ups in.”

“We’re lost. Why did you let me chase a waterfall? You KNOW what TLC says.”

What’s your favourite Jessica Day quote?

Do you remember any of these Jessica Day quotes?

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The 4 colours of Jessica Day

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