About Moira Rose
Schitt’s Creek was a cultural phenomenon. From it’s smart and snappy dialogue to its unending pop culture reference and bad puns. While your favorite character might have been David Rose or motelier Stevie, its the vivacious and over the top monologues from Moira Rose that epitomized the vibe of Schitt’s Creek.
A mother, a soap actress, a politician, a fashionista, an awkward role model, the glue that held the Rose’s together. Moira Rose has endless one liners that we all love and just have to share with you all.
Best Moira Rose Quotes from Schitt’s Creek
“Let’s all pray we don’t wake up!” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“My very soul has been kidnapped, there’s no ransom. NO ONE’S COMING TO SAVE ME!” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Please, someone just give me a key, to a door, to a room, any room. I just want a bathtub and a long extension cord, please.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Pick up a hammer and nail this coffin shut.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“The opportunities will diminish and the ass will get bigger- oh yes, it will – especially yours; you’re going to have a huge ass!” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Sadly, and most of the time, we have no interest in what’s going on with you.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“This place is very charming… Rustic cottage – I half expected early Unabomber!” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“I hate to tell you this but having sex isn’t just about having children so that they can grow up and make you feel guilty about it. I will not be shamed! Shame on you!” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“In the lea of a picturesque ridge lies a small, unpretentious winery, one that pampers its fruit like its own babies. Hi! I’m Moira Rose, and if you like fruit wine as much as I do, then you’ll appreciate the craftsmanship and quality of a local vintner who brings the muskmelon goodness to his oak Chardonnay and the dazzling peach crabapple to his Riesling Rioja. Come taste the difference good fruit can make in your wine. You’ll remember the experience, and you’ll remember the name: Herb Irvling-ger. Burt Herngeif. Irv Herm-linger. Bing Liveheinger. Live Link. Burt Herkern. Burn-. Agh! Bingo Lingfucker.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“I once had to deliver a eulogy at the funeral of my Sunrise Bay co-star. I didn’t know what to say so I sang a few lines of Danny Boy.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“It would be her first piece of clothing made outside of mainland China. I’m gonna do it.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“David, what you did was impulsive, capricious, and melodramatic but it was also wrong.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Audition? Though I’m sure you mean no offence, in the actual world of entertainment, I’m what’s known as, “offer only.”” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“We are currently sleeping on a rectangular collection of knives and barbed wire, John.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at the AMFAR dinner? ‘You are the life you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her. In india. Or, perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me. I will not accept this life and neither should you.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It’s a new feeling for me, and I don’t find it at all pleasurable.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Equality. Freedom. Marriage. These are the rights of every community, and even more specifically… the business community. No faction of society deserves to be discriminated against, especially women who are in the business faction. One of my top priorities will be to… to change people’s misguided and ignorant perceptions of women like you. You did not choose this life. No, each one of you… was born to be… an entrepreneur.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Nice to meet you, Jacob. If you take half as much care of our son as you do your physique, David should be in very good hands.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“A heavy salad might as well be a casserole.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“I will not be tried and condemned by the likes of you two.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Yes! Yes! Plenty of work to be done. Unfortunately, my previous engagements preclude me from offering my beneficence around the motel today! JOHN I HATE TO LEAVE YOU LIKE THIS!” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“I’ll talk to her and tell her that SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO DUMP THIS PERSONAL AND FINANCIAL BURDEN ON US!” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me the keys to a Lamborghini.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Who left a picture of a ghost on my desk?” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“David, can you just once embrace joy?” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“I’m starting to get keyed up about this prospect of a mother-daughter power team. A modern day Judy and Lorna.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“I worked in soaps. They had me play my own father, who then became pregnant despite the vasectomy. I still hold the record for the longest – running demonic possession on daytime television.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Yes, the exact sentiment expressed by the passengers as they stepped aboard the Titanic. What? They were having a rip-roaring bash before that bloody iceberg.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Well, what kind of ailurophobe sends their kitty out to play on such a busy stretch of highway?” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“You are the most important thing in this world to me, you know that John! And I include Caroline in that, and I’ve had that wig for 40 years!” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Thank you Officer, for your almost militant commitment to the protection of our community.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“I promise to keep my husband habilimented from now on.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“David’s nighttime enuresis only comes around when he’s juiced up with excited anticipation about something. Christmas, birthdays, The Ides Of March. Now it’s your impending nuptials that have opened up the floodgates.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Alexis, if you desire a love with longevity, the key is to have as little in common as possible.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Different notes, different tannins, but… together, you’ve managed to make one perfect blend.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Alexis, let’s not count our poultry before it’s incubated.“ – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“You take that ember of independence and you keep it burning. Because you, my darling, are destined to be on fire!” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“May… may I just proclaim that I have rarely… never, I’ve never felt more buttress than I have in your company, dear gals. Not to flog a metaphor, but wolf pups are born blind and deaf, and in your care I have learned to see and hear the beauty of the bucolic. Oh, no. No, let’s not turn this into a Hallmark movie of the week. I’ve done enough of those for a lifetime. Okay?” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“There’s a time and a place for sentimentality and your only son’s wedding is hardly the time or the place.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Nice as the smell of the liqueur wafting from your breath.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Through the slice of paradise, I like to call the town where I currently am.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Through the slice of paradise, I like to call the town where I currently am.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“Oh David I’m not sure I’m in the mood to hear about another sexual exploit. I’m sorry, who is it this time?” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“DON’T! No, Maureen doesn’t like to be manhandled!” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
Moira: Next step is to FOLD IN THE CHEESE!
David: What does that mean, what does fold in the cheese mean?
Moira: You fold it in.
David: I understand that but how, how do you fold it? Do you fold it in half like a piece of paper and drop it in pot or what do you do?
Moira: David, I cannot show you everything.
David: Okay, well can you show me one thing?
Moira: You just, here’s what you do, you just fold it in.
David: Okay, I don’t know how to fold BROKEN CHEESE like that.
Moira: And I don’t know how to be any CLEARER. You take that thing that’s in your hand and you.
David: If you say fold in, ONE more time.
Moira: IT SAYS FOLD IT IN!
David: This is your recipe. You fold in the cheese then!
Moira: David!! Oh good, now I see bubbles. David, what does burning smell like?
“Jocelyn, there are just some things that aren’t done. Smoking in a car with a baby, unless you crack a window, tipping before tax, mixing drinks with cola, and giving away a coat that doesn’t belong to you.” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“I’m from London, I was one of two identical twins. Tragically I was snatched from my crib at birth by Russian Mobsters, they looked at my fair skin and my dazzling eyes and they said “We’ll make a pretty penny on that one on the human black market we will!” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
“This wine is Aww-ful, get me another glass”- Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
Moira: I had my reservations about Winona.
David: Um, that’s the strawberry peach.
Moira: Oh dear it tastes like amoxicillin.
Moira: Ah wait, my baybays!
Roland Schitt: No your kids aren’t here.
Moira: My girls!
Roland: What girls?
Moira: My girls! Lorna, Second from the left. If she takes on smoke she’ll never recover.
Roland: Okay, okay this one?
Moira: That’s Cindy. Cindy Beloure, I just gave her a blow-out!
Johnny Rose: About a month ago I heard from the Lucy Albion Theater in Pasadena.
Moira: I don’t know what that is.
Johnny: It used to be called the Moira.
Moira: No.
Johnny: Rose.
Moira: No, Don’t say it! They’ve stripped the playhouse of my name! Who the fuck is Lucy Albion?
Johnny: The volunteer usher who died last year.
Moira: Ohhh, I need some tea. Twila!
Johnny: What’s going on?
Twila: Tea?
Moira: No, thank you.
Moira: Who put a picture of a ghost on my desk?
Roland: I can’t believe you opened that!
Moira: It was on my desk.
Roland: That’s the sonogram of our baby!
Moira: David, David, David. I have an urgent campaign-related question. I am approachable.
David: Is that a question?
Moira: Yes. The question is: “I am approachable.”
David: It sounds more like a fact that you’re sharing with me.
Moira: Are you saying you disagree?
Moira: And when it’s time to escape the hustle and bustle of the downtown core, you’ll find all the peace and solitude your body craves here at our local apothecary. No noisy customers or busy cash registers here to intrude upon your inner cogitations.
Patrick: It’s not usually this quiet.
Moira: Oh it’s always nice and quiet here.
David: Can you stop saying that.
“Alexis what have I told you about putting your body on the internet? NEVER! Never without proper lighting” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
Patrick: I’m sensing you might be a little bit distracted but unfortunately there is a time limit on us to getting out of here.
Moira: Haha, I used to share your philosophic optimism, dear. No, the reality is we’re never getting out of here.
“Don’t be a dew dropper, throw some concealer under those peepers, make like a swell, and go put on the ritz” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
Moira: That’s enough gossip for today Twila. No, I’m not comfortable discussing the intimate details of Alexis’s private life with her not present.
Twila: Oh, I…I wasn’t gossiping. It was just that you brought it up. So I just wanted to clarify it was.
Moira: Gossip is the Devil’s telephone, best you just hang up.
David: You were supposed to be at lunch. Why are you not at lunch?
Moira: David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican
Moira: I’ve been calling David and he’s not picking up!
Johnny: What about Alexis?
Moira: There’s an idea! Anybody have her number?
Moira: Would it kill someone to plant a few peonies?
Johnny: I have a feeling if you want peonies Moira, you’re going to have to plant them yourself.
Moira: Hahahaha. These are dark times John, but not that dark.
Johnny: Close your eyes Moira.
Moira extends hands out wide.
Johnny: Smaller, smaller, smaller
Johnny places a small utensil in her hands.
Moira: A bomb?
Alexis: What is your favorite season?
Moira: ffffff….AWARDS!
Moira: AHHH! Roland, what are you doing in my room?
Roland: What are you talking about, this is my room!
Moira: Well then what the fuck are you doing in your room?
Moira: Please everyone stay calm. Whatever you do, do not look them in the eyes!
Alexis: You’re making them angrier.
Moira: C’mon Alexis, I know their language. CAWWW, CAWWWW.
“Be careful John, lest you suffer vertigo from the dizzying heights of your moral ground” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
Moira: What’s this about?
Johnny: I was just hugging my kids.
Moira: Why?
Moira: That’s the spirit! If Jocelyn can do it, anyone can.
Jocelyn: Yeah
Moira: Yeah. Places, don’tcha think?
Moira: When it’s time to lay down your weary head, you’ll find comfort and safety at the partially renovated Rosebud motel. But don’t forget to say hello to your handsome proprietor, Mr. Jonathan Rose.
Johnny: Thank you for having us.
Moira: John, no.
Moira: You do realize the baybay is crying?
Johnny: I do, yes.
Moira: Isn’t it scheduled to be dormant by now?
Twila: Everyone was talking about you standing up to council last week, so I just assumed.
Moira: Never assume dear, it makes an ass out of both of us.
Alexis: Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?
Moira: Oh, always! Just not now.
David: Okay, how did I not know that you worked at a Rose Video?
Moira: Well let’s hope that you continue to surprise each other. It keeps the relationship titillating.
David: Okay, please never say titillating when referring to my relationship.
“Can no one find nude photos of me on the internet?” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
Stevie: Why does it seem like Mrs. Rose’s eyes follow me?
Johnny: Oh, she paid extra for that.
“Book your vacation now, to this humble little oasis. If heaven had a creek, it would be this one” – Moira Rose (Schitt’s Creek)
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