People are the Worst: 56 Best Nick quotes from New Girl

All our favourite Nick Miller one-liners from New Girl.

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Best Nick Miller quotes

About Nick Miller

Nick Miller is a lazy, slovenly, sarcastic alcoholic who dreams of being a writer but he’s also the best friend you could ever have. Portrayed by American actor, Jake Johnson, we first meet Nick as one of the roommates in The New Girl who evaluates whether or not Jess can move into their loft. Nick sees something in Jess, whether it’s “lofty” potential or they just need someone to pickup their share of the rent. It’s this decision that begins Jess and Nick’s friendship and on again, off again romance before finally getting hitched at the end of the show.

Nick’s best friend from school who is Winston Bishop and his best friend from college is Schmidt. Together, this bizarre trio of friends combine some of the wackiest quotes and one-liners you’ll ever see in a sitcom. Nick’s lines, however, are some of the most down-to-earth, self-destructive and hilariously pessimistic you’ll ever see out of this bunch of friends. We all need a realist like Nick Miller in our lives.

Below are some of our all time favourite Nick Miller quotes. Do you have one?

Best Nick Miller quotes from New Girl

Nick Miller laughing at something funny that someone said because Nick knows words
Nick Miller laughing at something funny that someone said because Nick knows words

“You can’t just say ‘butt drinking’ and then not explain what that is. That is two of my four favorite things.”

Hot Hostess: You’re all on a date?
Nick Miller: Yeah, we, uh, we’re her boyfriends. We’re reverse Mormons. One man just isn’t enough for her.

“Pink robes are my catnip.”

“I like getting older. I feel like I’m finally aging into my personality.”

Nick Miller: My life’s filled with regret.
Jessica Day: You know, you can’t just pretend like it didn’t happen.
Nick Miller: Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.
Jessica Day: Yeah, I think you should sing all the time.
Nick Miller: No, I was being mean. I’m not gonna do that.
Jessica Day: Why not? It’s fun.
Nick Miller: Because I have a penis.

“Sandwiches and sex!? I want that!”

“I moved to Los Angeles to get closer to whales so I could record them.”

“I am not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself.”

“I refuse to pay for the weefee.”

Jess Day: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me he was hung over.
Nick Miller: I totally told you he was hung over. I said he was drunk at the bar and now he’s passed out.

“I figured it out. This guy’s your kryptonite. You need to stand up, and you need to fight him.”

“I want to go in my room and do weird stuff on my computer.”

Schmidt: Oh, my god, we created a monster.
Nick Miller: She looks like Helena Bonham Carter.

“They want me to leave the booth, but I’m staying. This is my home now. It’s got everything that I need.”

“We live in a world with rules. We knock. We have doors. And we knock on those doors.”

Nick Miller: I’m sorry about last night, Amanda.
Amanda: So you’re… you’re, like, super into “cuddling”.
Nick Miller: No, I’m not super into cuddling. I’m just getting out of a relationship, and I think I got nervous. I’ve heard that I’m not great at talking about what I’m feeling all the time, and so I’m sorry about last night.
Amanda: Honesty. I like that.

RELATED: Douchebag Jar – 43 Best Schmidt quotes from New Girl

The things Nick's face does when he acknowledges and doesn't understand something.
The things Nick’s face does when he acknowledges and doesn’t understand something.

“I know this isn’t gonna end well, but the middle part is gonna be awesome.”

“Jess, you don’t have to knock once you’re in the room.”

“Do you know sucks about getting older? Your friends have known you way too long, they got too much on you. I want to have friends to still lie to me because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that.”

“Last month he went to a party called Bros before Hos on the Moon. What does that even mean? And the dress code was ‘yacht flair.'”

“You guys don’t wear each other’s underpants? You’re lying. We all wear each other’s underwear.”

“I’m not good at being a boyfriend. I’m good at being that guy you find yourself spending more and more time with until you meet your husband.”

“I’ve done things. I wrote half a book about zombies!”

“Do you know sucks about getting older? Your friends have known you way too long, they got too much on you. I want to have friends to still lie to me because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I sadly kind of mean that.”

Jess: Alright, so, so far, Nick Miller’s list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships.
Nick: And blueberries.

“What is money anyway? It’s just paper that some king on a mountain said was worth something. Gold, I understand; it’s shiny.”

“I’m having sex all the time. I’m like a mailman… except, instead of mail, it’s hot sex I deliver.”

“I’m not convinced I know how to read; I’ve just memorized a lot of words.”

Jess: You always see the worst in people.
Nick Miller: Yeah, because people are the worst.

“I have decided to give up on women and put all of that energy into tomatoes.”

“You know what Jess, I don’t live in a world where I smile and people do what I want them to do.”

“I can’t believe this is working. You out-crazied a man with a gun!”

“A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls.”

Nick Miller: That man wants to sleep with you.
Jess: No, he doesn’t.
Nick Miller: Yes, he does.
Jess: He was showing me how to…
Nick Miller: Okay, anytime a man shows a woman how to do something from behind, it’s just an excuse for him to get really close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie.

RELATED: Hey Jess – 36 Best Jessica Day quotes from New Girl

Nick Miller hearing but not listening.
Nick Miller hearing but not listening.

“Look, we’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself… in any way.”

“I don’t know if Hogwarts is near San Diego. I’ve never heard of it.”

Nick Miller: I don’t have a vagina.
Sweet Older Woman: You can have mine.

“You’re a real sandwich lady, and I wanna scream your name across the ocean.”

“Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been there. OK. You’re always there. Even when I don’t want you there, you’re there. That’s what a husband does. You fight for me. That’s what a husband does. You care about what I eat. That’s what a husband does. You’ve cooked for me even when I don’t ask. That’s what a husband does. When I pass out you comb my hair so there’s no knots in it. That’s what a husband does. So guess what? You’re gonna be a great husband to Cece ’cause you’re a great husband to me.”

Older Nick: Nick, I traveled from the future to find you. I’m a time traveler.
Nick Miller: Does everybody tip badly in the future, or is it just you?

“You’re a big girl, you can watch Walking Dead alone.”

“Where are you, Schmidt? This place is fancy, and I don’t know which fork to kill myself with.”

“On Christmas, I like to eat Chinese people’s brains. They’re the only ones that are open.”

“Somebody help me! This is my nightmare!”

“I put a word search in the novel!”

“Twenty-year-old girls! They’re awesome! They don’t know what Saved by the Bell is, and they’ve never felt pain!”

Jess: Are you really comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?
Nick Miller: I’m a writer, Jess. We create life.

“You can go to my funeral but you can’t talk. My funeral is my time to shine.”

“I’m becoming Ernest Hemmingway.”

“I really like when a rap song uses a choir. It makes me feel really happy with all those ladies’ voices coming and then the guy’s rapping. I think it’s awesome.”

“You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol.”

Nick Miller: After he saw the movie Titanic, he started the Billy Zane fan club.
Jess Day: What?
Nick Miller: Look it up. They’re called the Zaniacs.

“I don’t deal with exes. They’re part of the past. You burn them swiftly and give their ashes to Poseidon.”

“When I was 9 years old, I fed cereal flakes to a frog and it died. Then there was a period of time where I fed cereal flakes to all little animals. Squirrels can live through it. Chipmunks can live through it. Anything that lives half in and out of water dies, and I don’t understand why. When I was 10, I once walked by my mother sleeping, and I snuck in her room and I put a lemon in her mouth. When I was 11, I once tried on my girl cousin’s woolen tights, and I didn’t hate the way it felt!”

“I can’t believe Winston’s gonna be a cop. I mean, he’s the gentlest person I know. He once broke his arm wrapping presents.”

“Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.”

What’s your favourite Nick Miller quote?

Do you remember any of these Nick Miller quotes?

Let us know on social media.

Nick writing some kind of book involving words

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