Douchebag Jar: 43 Best Schmidt quotes from New Girl

All our favourite Schmidt quotes that deserve their own 'Douchebag jar.'

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best schmidt quotes

About Schmidt

Schmidt is a loud and sometimes obnoxious Jewish-American man who lives in a loft with his two best friends, Nick Miller (who he met at college) and Winston Bishop (who he met because Winston’s friends with Nick). Portrayed by American actor, Max Greenfield, we first meet Schmidt as a self-involved and materialistic corporate worker who is obsessed with keeping the loft clean.

Over time, he evolves into a well-loved character as New Girl explores his origins as a morbidly obese college student to a polished Marketing Executive who eventually wins over Cece. On top of it all, Schmidt has some of the best one-liners on the show. Not to mention his freakouts which add dramatic flair and will leave you laughing hysterically.

Below are some of our all time favourite Schmidt quotes. Do you have one?

Best Schmidt Quotes from New Girl

Schmidt and Cece
Schmidt and Cece

Schmidt: I’ll be, like, your guide.
Jessica Day: Like Gandalf… through Middle Earth?
Schmidt: Probably not like… okay… first off let’s take the Lord of the Rings references and put them in a deep, dark cave where no one’s going to find them.

“Jess, you know what? I’ll let you check my lost and found. It’s where I keep all the stuff that girls leave behind in my room after we fornicate.”

“Oh, look at that. Rosh Hashanah, ’06. Yeah, nothing orthodox about what we did that night.”

“Look, we’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself… in any way.”

“You can see by looking at these pictures that he’s experiencing a variety of different emotions. This one is… well, that’s actually his butt.”

“Now let’s talk about my problems. Jess, I have to go home with Brooke tonight. I deserve someone like Brooke. She’s perfect, and it doesn’t matter that I have gymnastic, mean-spirited, highly educational sex with Gretchen. It’s just, that’s not what I want to do anymore, okay? Not tonight.”

“Do you need a list of my sexiest date spots? You know, it’s been a while for you. Want me to stretch you out?”

“We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights. It just happens.”

Schmidt: [regarding Nick’s penis] What did it look like?
Jess Day: What do you mean?
Schmidt: [spreading his hands] Just say when. Just… serious… seriously? Are you se… are you serious? Okay, you know what? This is impossible. I’m starting over.

Schmidt: I suffer from exercise-induced asthma.
Winston Bishop: Do you suffer from exercise-induced crying?
Schmidt: It’s a real thing, man, okay? EIA.

“I don’t have anything figured out. I’m a fully-grown man with roommates. I got a stupid job. I’m single. My best friend won’t even let me see his penis. I mean, my whole life is a sham.”

“Did you see that cleavage? I just want to get my arm stuck down there. Like ‘127 Hours’-style. And then, and then… Just cut it for days. I don’t care. I’ll cut through the bone, the nerve.”

“I don’t wanna hear, ‘Schmidt, Schmidt, you’re using too much tarragon,’ because I’m not.”

RELATED: People are the Worst – 56 Best Nick quotes from New Girl

Schmidt in one of his many suits
Schmidt in one of his many suits

“Guys, has anyone seen my good pea coat?”

“Hey Jess, have you seen my other timepiece?”

“Has anyone seen my croquet cleats?”

“I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere.”

“Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?”

Schmidt: Well, let me ask you this – have you been wearing my underpants?
Nick: Sometimes, yeah. Who cares?

Delivery Guy: I have a package for Schmidt.
Schmidt: Sir, I’m very flattered. But I must decline.

Jess: Nick, are you okay?
Nick: No, I’m not okay, Jess! I’m not okay! When I woke up today, I wanted to play a friendly game of touch football. Then I hurt my back, I went to your gynaecologist, and now I might have cancer! So no, Jess! I’m not okay!
[sits down alone and sighs]
Schmidt: I don’t think this is the right time to bring this up, you guys, but… does anyone else think Nick could stand to lose five to seven pounds?

“Take these, and take care of them. I can get a tetanus shot, but I can’t cure damaged suede.”

“We have a urinal. How are you still missing?”

“No, I mean you’re like aging ballerina, child chess prodigy, professional magician crazy.”

Schmidt in a stripey top
Schmidt in a stripey top

“If you’re a boy, I’m gonna… I’m gonna name you Mordecai, or Abraham, Menachem Menandel, Schmerson.”

Schmidt: When’s it coming out, by the way?
Winston Bishop: The earring?
Schmidt: No, no, the smooth jazz album you’re dropping.

Nick: That’s Caroline, man, what do I tell her?
Schmidt: Tell her there’s frickin’ fire ants everywhere!

“Jess, I’m not done with that! It’s 18-dollar granola, hand-made!”

“You are a gynecologist and a lesbian, which makes you, well, a va-genius.”

“Nothing? I mean, nothing? Dammit! I’ve been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It’s like a taffy pull on a hot summer’s day.”

“Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis. Direct quote – Scott Caan.”

“What fuels men? Competition, and sex. That’s why the United Nations was born, that’s why girls aren’t allowed on pirate ships, and that’s why there’s a No Nail Oath in apartment 4D.”

“I’m Gérard Depardieu. Who do you think I am, lady? I’m Schmidt.”

“Nick… back in high school, they used to call me… the Sex… the Sex Haver.”

RELATED: Hey Jess – 36 Best Jessica Day quotes from New Girl

Nick Miller and Schmidt
Nick Miller and Schmidt

“Cece and I, we have this connection. You know, it’s physical… it’s unhealthy. Look, I don’t want to get too graphic with you, but I’m not just the plug with her. I’m also a socket.”

“So I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and… I’d really like to start calling you ‘shorty’ in public.”

“You think you can have a bunch of wives? You get one wife! This is the way the world works!”

“Well you have found my flabbergast button, and guess what, you pressed it.”

“I just look at that picture [of a micro-penis] and wonder, Is there a God? And if there is, did he run out of clay?”

Jess: I’m gonna cancel my plans with Cece. I’ll find out about her date with Paul later.
Schmidt: A ridiculous name. Oh, hey, my name is Puh-ha… Pau… I don’t even know how to pronounce that.

“Okay, that was terrible. Now, go write 20 more. Learn them, inhabit them, practice them, and then throw those away. Then write another 20 and submit them to me for my approval.”

Schmidt: Can’t believe that we’re not spending Valentine’s Day together.
Cece Parekh: I know. It sucks.
Schmidt: The first year that I haven’t planned our bone-iversary.

Schmidt: Um, excuse me. Um, have you seen Ruth? Brown hair, smile that would shake the Earth, hates peas?
Little Girl: A white man broke in today.
Schmidt: A… a white man? NO! Well, what did security do about it?
Little Girl: Nothing.
Schmidt: TYPICAL!

What’s your favourite Schmidt quote?

Do you remember any of these Schmidt quotes?

Let us know on social media.

Jess and Schmidt

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