Goro and What He Looks Like
Released in 1995, Mortal Kombat was quintessentially 90s with its mix of bad techno, basic Megadeth thrash metal and the type of CGI which would make director Uwe Boll smile. If you can get past the idea of Christopher Lambert putting on an exceptionally bad Chinese accent while playing fan favourite character, Raiden, and the scenes that are purpose-built to look like the original Mortal Kombat levels – then you’ve probably watched enough of this movie to face the almighty Goro. And see how bad he moves around the screen.
Goro, the four-armed half human dragon man, who spends as much time looking like an overgrown baby to one of the Ogres from Warcraft 2 to a claymation figure from a Tool video to looking like two kids in a trenchcoat trying to rent a porno.
Let’s face it, he spends more time looking like a smorgasbord of random pop culture creations than he does looking like Goro. Here’s 5 such characters.
1. Ogre-Mage from Warcraft 2
If you remember the controversy of Lara Croft’s box-shaped boobs in the 90s then chances are you probably played Warcraft 2 and knew what an asset the Ogre-Mages were. Fat and oafishly slow but packing a punch, Goro spent so much time reminding me of these bald tall bastards.
2. Pick a character from a Tool Video
Goro moves about as jittery as almost any character from a Tool video. He fights just as well too. He probably lacks the smarts to work out just what in-the-hell Maynard, Danny, Adam and Justin are going on about half the time. Learn to swim? Hey Goro, learn not to move around like a stop-motion dickhead.
3. Two Kids in a Trenchcoat
Two Kids in a Trenchcoat is an old pop culture cliche in which, yeah you guessed it, one kid gets on the shoulders of the other kid and they wear a giant trenchcoat pretending to be an adult. The Little Rascals was a perfect example of how rigidly Goro moved about in Mortal Kombat. Especially with the four arms flexing going on.
4. The Dancing Baby
Goro fights in the ring like the Oogachacka Baby GIF dances about on your screen. And if you don’t remember this dancing baby then bow before it foul peasants! Dancing Baby will steal a part of your soul for every second you watch it.
5. The Golgothan
If you’ve seen Kevin Smith’s Dogma then you’re all too familiar with the Golgothan aka The Shit Demon. While Goro doesn’t look like a steaming turd, he certainly sounds about as good as the Golgothan and moves about as well as he does too.
Add a pony-tail and another two arms to WWE wrestler Kane and you’d probably get Goro. At least Kane had a better run and didn’t fall off a cliff into a supernatural-looking cloud.
Do you still enjoy Mortal Kombat (1995)?
What other truly bad Goro moments did we miss?
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