67 Foods As Hilariously Described By penguinz0 (Cr1TiKaL)

Disclaimer: If you click a PHASR link and make a purchase, at no additional cost to you, we may receive a commission.

Penguinz0 Food Reviews

One of my favorite parts of watching Charlie White’s videos is watching him describe things. He has a way with words that is both crass and eloquent. He speaks like a poet that has watched too many adult films, and it’s beautiful.

Cr1TiKal has reviewed many different types of food during his years as a YouTuber. This includes fast-food restaurants, hot peppers, cereals, and soda. We will save his reviews on flavored lube and condoms for another article.

Today we want to go over some of our favorite food descriptions from penguinz0. I pulled these from his Liquid Ladder series and many food review tier lists. If we missed any of your favorites, let us know on social media!

RELATED: Creepy Nostalgia – The 10 Best MeatCanyon Animations

Foods Described By Penguinz0 (Cr1TiKaL)

Anaheim Chili Peppers – “This naughty little girl here was extremely underwhelming. I was expecting quite a bit of heat, especially from such an intimidating presence. It was heavy as like a fuckin’ boulder. It felt like something the pioneers would have rode around on in Spongebob. It just tasted terrible. It tasted like chewing on a bowling shoe.”

Aquafina Water – “In a surprise to absolutely no one, Aquafina is a hunk of shit and is just not good water. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone in my life, I’ve never met some kind of maniac madman who said they like Aquafina. I don’t know if even such a thing exists, or really could exist. The human body is hard-coded to reject the taste of Aquafina.”

Arby’s – “Arby’s fuckin blows, it’s bad. They have one good menu item it’s the curly fries, everything else you’re just wasting your time. It is some dog asshole.”

Auntie Anne’s – “It’s mall food. I’ve never this anywhere besides a mall.”

Blueberries – “They’re like a beautiful side character that amplifies the main character’s performance.”

Blue Cheese Dressing – “It’s a lot worse than soap. It tastes like the way a paint can smells.”

Burger King – “The most plain food and insultingly bad. It is somehow both plain and repulsive, probably in the complacency to be that plain. It feels like you’re eating an insult. It’s like you are being reminded with every bite that you made a bad decision by going to Burger King that day.”

Burger King Chicken Fries – “This is a little quirky. This bad girl is a little kinky, I like that.”

California Pizza Kitchen Margherita Pizza – “The more I ate of this one, the more insulted my taste buds became.”

Celeste Pizza – “Celeste tastes like wet toilet paper with a little sauce on it. It’s like you’re eating an old sponge that somebody accidentally dropped into a pit of tomatoes. There is no crust when it comes to Celeste Pizza because the entire thing just tastes like you’re chewing on some sodden panties that have been left out in the rain for a long time. That being said, it’s magnificent. It’s fucking spectacular.”

Checkers – “I only have ever gotten their fries. I think they have the best fries in the game.”

Cherry Coke – “Cherry is my least favorite flavor in anything ever. Always reminds me of medicine and dog shit. It is just my least favorite taste in the world, probably, next to just eating straight-up dirty asshole. But, Coke Cherry? I liked it surprisingly more than I thought I would.”

Chester’s Hot Fries – “Right at the upper echelon of spice and hotness that I can tolerate almost comfortably without breaking out into a mucus explosion and crying my eyes out.”

Chick Fil A – “I truly think Chic Fil A is overrated.”

Chick Fil A Polynesian Sauce – “Remember when BTS had their own meal? It tastes nothing like that.”

Chick Fil A Special Sauce – “Everyone likes Chic Fil A sauce.”

Chipotle – “I think we can all agree. Not great. It’s very hit or miss.”

Coca-Cola – “Smells like 5th grade again.”

Core Water – “It tastes like ice. Burnt ice.”

Corn Pops Cereal – “Gotta have my fuckin’ Pops. Gotta bust a fuckin’ nut in these Pops.”

Dasani Water – “The worst water mankind has accidentally made. Dasani is truly horrendous. Worse than Aquafina by a decent margin, I would argue. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Dasani is Latin for dog fecal juice, because that’s what it tastes like. Fuckin’ Dasani tastes like if you took a McRib and shot it out of a car’s exhaust and liquified it.”

Diet Coke – “I hated it as a kid. Absolutely hated it. It tasted like metal. Like metallic sewage.”

Diet Pepsi – “I’ve had plenty of Diet Pepsi, enough to fill a fucking swimming pool, and I’ve always enjoyed Diet Pepsi.”

Domino’s – “They keep apologizing for shit pizza they’ve had over the years.”

Dr. Pepper – “This is fucking poop ass, bro. This is gross.”

Frosted Flakes Cereal – “Never forget that massive cock from Tony The Tiger. You can taste it with every bite of Frosted Flakes.”

Ghost Peppers – “The ghost pepper lived up to the hype. It fuckin’ hurt. It would have been less painful just cutting my tongue off.”

Habanero Peppers – “It was extremely painful and it lasted for such a long time. It was 15, 20 minutes, 30 minutes maybe of agony. It just did not let up. An unrelenting assault wrecking havoc in my mouth.”

Heartbeat Scorpion Hot Sauce – “That flavor is like sewage if it was mixed with volcanic lava.”

Honey Mustard – “It tastes better than it smells.”

Honey Smacks Cereal – “A long-forgotten beauty. I’ll never forget that frog, and by that I mean I never remembered that Honey Smacks had a mascot.”

Hot Ones: The Classic Hot Sauce – “It was extremely painful. It also tasted like shit. I don’t what Matt is talking about with it tasting great. All I could taste is actual agony.”

Hot Ones: The Last Dab Hot Sauce – “I don’t think the English language is capable of really expressing the feeling that my mouth was going through. Had I swallowed those peppers, I would have probably exploded. It would have looked like a scene out of Stranger Things when El blasts open the Demogorgon.”

Hot Tamales Candy – “To call these fierce would be like calling a goldfish furious.”

Jimmy Johns – “It’s nutrients like if you’re dying of starvation and you happen to crawl your way into a Jimmy Johns, after they spit on you they will probably give you something to keep you alive and you would probably be happy about it.”

Ketchup – “Potatoes and ketchup is fucking crazy.”

KFC – “I genuinely think you can objectively look at KFC’s items and be like ‘this fucking sucks’. I would not feed this to an animal. If there was an animal that was in desperate need of nutrients and you fed them KFC it would just kill them quicker.”

Lay’s Classic Chips – “That’s boring. Just immediately boring.”

Lay’s Dill Pickle Chips – “It came out swingin’ real hard like it had a point to prove. It was ready to come out and whoop some ass, just making a statement like ‘Yeah, I’m a pickle, pussy, what are you going to do about it?’ It said Dill Pickle on the back, but what it actually was was a Kill Pickle.”

Lay’s Honey BBQ Chips – “That’s like a leveled-up BBQ right there.”

Little Caesars – “They need to do what Domino’s does and apologize once a year for making shit pizza until they finally get something possible.”

Long Hot Peppers – “That was some of the most intense pain I think my mouth has ever had. I would have rather been chewing on 100 shards of broken glass and hypodermic needles. It was so incredibly fuckin’ painful. That long boy was packing some real meat.”

Long John Silvers – “It’s a pretty sad establishment, I’ll be honest. When you drive past a Long Johns it’s always abandoned, it’s dilapidated, and if you ever make the mistake of eating there you’re greeted with pure hatred.”

Mountain Dew – “Gamers do not taste good. It doesn’t even smell like gamers.”

Mustard – “My fucking back hurts from the mustard.”

Orange Soda – “I’m not like a huge fan of fruit-flavored sodas or anything, but this was on another level. This was really good.”

Papa Johns – “If you just want some pizza and you want it quick you aren’t beating it. Better ingredients, better pizza, right in your butthole.”

Pepsi – “It’s like a softer Coke. If Coke was an explicit song, this is the clean version.”

Pizza Hut – “Saying Pizza Hut is like saying Voldemort’s name. That thing is just a fucking disgusting restaurant and a terrible excuse for a pizza. I’d rather eat crumbs from a septic tank than eat a Pizza Hut Pizza.”

Poland Springs Water – “It wasn’t insulting, even a bit playful at times on the palate.”

Popeyes – “Popeyes is the best version of KFC.”

Publix Chicken Tenders – “Publix has some weird rules, like you can have a mustache and no beard and shit, but my god, those rules lead to perfection.”

Puckerbutt Hot Sauce – “The Puckerbutt lived up to its name. My asshole I thought was collapsing in on itself, forming a singularity or black hole that would swallow the whole world inside of it.”

Rice Krispies Cereal – “What the fuck is that about, huh? It’s literally like eating crunchy air.”

Root Beer – “I wouldn’t say it’s bad or shitty, but I also wouldn’t say it enjoyed it. It wasn’t a beverage I was drinking and having fun with.”

Smart Water – “Never had Smart Water. Never will again. Wasn’t good.”

Sonic – “I’ve never had a bad Sonic experience. It’s just really underwhelming and forgettable.”

Soy Sauce – “It’s just a bunch of salt and oil. I don’t like it on sushi, I don’t like it on anything.”

Sprite – “It’s just kind of like bubbly water. The flavor is in the back seat, just waving at me back there.”

Steak ‘n Shake – “Their milkshakes BANG! Their steak burgers aren’t special, but they’re not bad. Their fries are really goofy. They give you baby fries. They give you these tiny little fries, which are good. They’re a little quirky, got a little personality to them.”

Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ Sauce – “Sweet Baby Ray GOD DAMN!”

Sweet Baby Ray’s Creamy Buffalo – “Yucky. I hate this one.”

Thousand Island Dressing – “Now that’s very yummy.”

Tombstone Pizza – “In credit to Tombstone, it’s better than Pizza Hut. It’s not the best compliment. It’s like being the best out of the JV Badminton team, but it’s better than Pizza Hut but it’s very similar.”

Trix Cereal – “Trix is very close to word dicks, and I always thought that was incredible.”

Wasabi – “Wasabi has always been my arch nemesis when it comes to ordering sushi because there’s always this fucking clump of wasabi, this little cum dumpster of wasabi that’s always on the sushi thing.”

Wild Cherry Pepsi – “Wild Cherry Pepsi….not great. Still, not as bad as I thought it would have been.

What Are Your Favorite penguinz0 Food Reviews?

We hope you enjoyed our list of the funniest Cr1TiKaL food descriptions. Did we miss any of your favorites? Let us know on social media!

Make The Other Emails In Your Inbox Jealous.

Get The Best Of PHASR Delivered Weekly

The Perfect Shirt For All Your Special Stains.

SHOP PHASR MERCH ON TEEPUBLIC

Get The Best of PHASR Directly To Your Inbox!

When you sign up for the PHASR newsletter,
you are automatically entered to
win free PHASR merch.