Philomena Cunk Quotes
When we think of great mockumentaries, what do we think of? Likely the works of Christopher Guest, and pseudo-reality shows like The Office, but what if we had a show where there was a central character controlling the chaos? Now we do, in Philomena Cunk of Cunk On Earth.
All told, Diane Morgan also had the character running in Cunk On Britain as well. Now that she’s landed across the pond in the Americas, we can either regrettably relate or be given lightning-sharp laugh fits. I’m going with the latter, but only when it isn’t storming. Philomena Cunk has decided its time to take on subjects of interest by engaging the best of the best for each field of study, and she is in a league of her own.
Cunk On Earth has Philomena Cunk traveling about as she looks deeper into these subjects, without having done more than a social media article read beforehand. Although it engages actual individuals within these fields, we are given perhaps the rose-tinted glasses of what we would call a Dunning-Kruger syndrome sufferer (Dunning-Kruger is disproven, but still used by folks to describe someone that fancies themselves an expert in a field that they know little-to-nothing in).
We’re getting on board with the lovable and laughable Philomena Cunk to enjoy some of the strongest scriptures she’s spoken, to date.
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Let’s Laugh With Philomena Cunk
1. Philomena Cunk: Who are you?
Prof. Ian Borden: I’m Ian Borden Professor of Architecture at University College London.
Philomena: What is a building?
Prof. Borden: A building is anything that anyone has built.
Philomena: So my shoes are a building, then?
2. “When Henry died, Edward became king aged just 9 years old. Edward died aged 15, the youngest anyone had ever died of old age.” – Philomena Cunk
3. Philomena: How many 3 wise men were there?
Lady in Red: Who knows?
4. “And to add insult to injury, that money will most likely have a picture of a man on it. Because most banknotes don’t have women on them. Apart from the queen, who’s on all of them.” -Philomena Cunk
5. Philomena: I don’t understand bread sauce.
Gentleman: It’s a really great way of making a really savory sauce.
Philomena: Bread and sauce are two completely different things, aren’t they?
Gentleman: Well they are. but you can grind the bread down and then cook it in milk to make a really good, a really good sauce.
Philomena: It just looks like, sort of… jizz.
6. “Maybe one day, human beings won’t need buildings anymore. Although for that to happen we’d probably need to evolve skins made of bricks. And that might take at least another 30 years.” – Philomena Cunk
7. Philomena: When you teach a kid Shakespeare do their heads grow physically bigger?
Teacher Matthew Burton: No.
8. “Macbeth is startled at dinner by the unexpected appearance of Banquo’s ghost, played here for some reason by the letter H” – Philomena Cunk
9. Philomena: It’s comforting isn’t it to realize, we don’t have nuclear weapons these days?
Professor: Well, depends on who you mean by we. The British have got nuclear weapons and have recently indeed, decided to increase the number of warheads that they possess.
Philomena: Yeah, but they’re blanks aren’t they? They’re full of blanks.
Professor: No, not at all. No, no, these are, these are fully capable missile systems with nuclear warheads many other states have them. I’m afraid that nuclear war the threat of nuclear destruction remains with us.
(Philomena is distraught)
Philomena: Right, can we talk about something a bit more cheerful?
Professor: Anything you’d like.
Philomena: Do you like Abba?
Professor: I love Abba.
10. “But what was so great about Henry the 8th? Why is he still the king we all remember? Unlike, say, Richard the 5th? Well, for one thing, he was fat, so he takes up more room in the memory.” – Philomena Cunk
11. Philomena: A feminist looks in the mirror, do they see an equal woman or a better woman?
Professor: Erhm, they quite often like all of us, look for what they want to see and they look for what they hope to see.
Philomena: You see yourself back to front don’t you, in a mirror? But not upside down, why is that?
Professor: Well hopefully its because that’s how mirrors are designed.
Philomena: What powers a mirror? Sorry, you’re not the mirrors expert.
12. “One in 20 people has been a victim of crime. Which means that 19 out of 20 people are criminals! No wonder we need police.” – Philomena Cunk
13. Philomena: You know when you read a word in a book and you sort of hear that word in your head- how do they get the sounds into the ink to make it play in your head?
Librarian (after a good pause): …Well…
14. “Over the centuries many things have been used as money, including: amber, wheat, eggs, traveler’s checks/cheques (depending on your orientation), feathers, book vouchers, lobsters, beads, gold, leather, nectar points, rice, peas, mugs, and money. It was only the last of these that caught on.” – Philomena Cunk
15. Philomena: Did an explorer ever try to sail into the sky. You know, find a bit of sea that’s sort of going up and…
16. “It’s almost unbelievable that before Charles Darwin invented evolution in 1859 no had ever evolved. Without him, none of us would be here today, except in the form of fossils or gibbons.” – Philomena Cunk
17. Philomena: Why did Nelson always have one hand up his jumper? What was he doing up there?
Professor: He had lost most of his right arm, so…
18. “This is the National, National Theater. It is designed to look so horrible that people are glad to be inside watching boring plays.” – Philomena Cunk
19. Philomena: Why did they fire shells at each other? Cause shells wouldn’t really hurt would they? Unless they were those razor clam shells, cause they’re quite sharp aren’t they?
Professor: Well these weren’t seashells.
20. “Today, Britain stands at a fork in its crossroads and its people are asking questions. Now we’ve got our country back, what actually is it? Who are we? And why?” – Philomena Cunk
21. Philomena: If Shelley is one of the greatest poet’s in English literature, how come no one gives a shit about him today?
Professor: That is a complicated question.
22. “She wrote in a book ‘The world to an end will come in 1881’. A claim that has recently been debunked by experts through a careful process of looking around and seeing the world’s still here” – Philomena Cunk
23. Philomena: Hello, who are you?
Dr. Doran Swade: I’m Doran Swade, I’m a historian of computing and I was responsible for building this engine.
Philomena: So what games does it have?
Dr. Swade: It doesn’t have any games.
Philomena: It must have like some basic games like Mario Kart or snake or..
Dr. Swade: I’m afraid not
Philomena: Or patients, like the shittest one, it must have patients.
Dr. Swade: I’m afraid it doesn’t.
Philomena: It doesn’t have any games?
Dr. Swade: None whatever, it just does mathematical calculation.
24. “Today some people choose to turn the outside of their homes into an advent crown. A jolly house covered in electric lights, may be expensive and use a lot of power, but its the perfect way to cheer up a world worried about climate change and dwindling resources.” – Philomena Cunk
25. “Queen Elizabeth 1 got her crown screwed on here, in Westminster Abbey” – Philomena, who then trips walking inside.
26. “It was in this ship, Drake became the first person to circumcise the globe. Which is probably why this sort of ship is called a clipper.” – Philomena Cunk
27. “We’re often told to feel sorry for those who are alone at Christmas. But these days that’s all of us and it’s brilliant” – Philomena Cunk
28. “The Pagans celebrated the solstice by cutting down holly and ivy and dragging it into their homes along with a giant yule log that they’d set fire to. It sounds rubbish, but with no app store to speak of, killing trees and plants was as good as entertainment got. Even at Christmas.” – Philomena Cunk
29. “Despite being the stuff of nightmares, Santa is the world’s most popular home intruder.” – Philomena Cunk
30. “He was one of the greatest directors of all time and some of the phrases he used still resonate today. Such as ‘Finest hour’, ‘Never surrender!’, and of course, ‘We shall fight them bitches.’ – Philomena Cunk
31. “We don’t even know if Jack the Ripper was his real name or just a nickname like 50 Cent. We don’t know when he died or if he died. It’s chilling to think that Jack the Ripper could still be alive today, living somewhere out there under his real name. Maybe he’s one of your friends or neighbors or maybe…he’s you!” – Philomena Cunk
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What Are Your Favorite Philomena Cunk Quotes?
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