Nard-Dog: 26 Hilarious Andy Bernard Quotes From The Office

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Funny Andy Quotes The Office

While Andy Bernard does not get the craziest plot lines in The Office, I feel that he is one of the craziest characters. He is a grown-up trust fund kid who went to an Ivy League school. Now he is just slumming it up with regular people in Scranton.

Ed Helms kills it with this character. Andy is that one annoyingly pretentious friend that can’t stop talking about their social status. He thinks he is a lot cooler than he really is. No one cares about your college acapella group, Andrew!

Today we want to go over our favorite Andy quotes from the office. If we missed any of your favorites, let us know on social media!

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Andy Quotes From The Office

“Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them, or he quits them because they’re unfair.” – Andy Bernard

“As soon as I heard she wasn’t coming back to Scranton, I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down till I hit the ocean. My heart is my map. Turns out, Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount.” – Andy Bernard

“Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know, cut your throat to get ahead type of guy, but, I mean, I’m not threatened by him. I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it? I graduated in four years, I never studied once, I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the a cappella group ‘Here Comes Treble’.” – Andy Bernard

“Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding.” – Andy ‘ Nard Dog’ Bernard

“Five of us transferred from Stamford. There’s two of us left, me and Karen. It’s like we’re touring Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I’m not falling in a chocolate river.” – Andy Bernard

“Hit about twelve-hundred balls last night in preparation for today, so hands are a little tender. It’s actually not funny at all, it’s incredibly painful.” – Andy Bernard


“I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has, my brain, which I use to my advantage when advantageous.” – Andy Bernard

“I give to a foundation that teaches homeless children nautical flag signaling. Changes lives.” – Andy Bernard

“I Schruted it. It’s just this thing people say around your office all the time. Like when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you Schruted it. I don’t know where it comes from, though. You think it comes from Dwight Schrute?” – Andy Bernard

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“I think if he was sexist, I’d be able to tell. I took a crap load of women’s studies courses at Cornell. and I wrote my own companion piece to the ‘Vagina Monologues’ called the ‘Penis Apologies’, so I know a thing or two.” – Andy Bernard

“I’ll be the number 2 guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I’m always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.” – Andy Bernard

“I’m petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts, is a vicious circle.” – Andy ‘Nard Dog’ Bernard

“I’ve always been the guy who can rally other people to rebel. In high school I organized a walk out over standardized testing. Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs. At the last second I chickened out, took it anyway, got a 1220, always regretted it. I feel lachrymose.” – Andy Bernard

‘In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally. In this case, Michael. And here’s the good news. Every success I’ve ever had in my job or with the lady folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.” – Andy Bernard

“Life gives you lemons and you’ve just gotta eat them, rinds and all. And if you don’t want to eat them? Your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend.” – Andy Bernard

“Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still, management material.” – Andy Bernard

“My name is Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. I’ve lived the part, and let me tell you, I’d so much rather play the part on stage.” – Andy Bernard

“New guy sucks. Calls me the Nard Man. I’m the Nard Dog, okay? Nard Man is my father.” – Andy Bernard

“Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to eight percent by the end of the quarter. That’s today, and we’re eight hundred and thirty dollars short, and I can’t afford to keep buying paper from us.” – Andy Bernard

“Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident, but after five weeks in anger management, I’m back, and I’ve got a new attitude and a new name and a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.” – Andy Bernard

“The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays.” – Andy ‘Nard Dog’ Bernard

“The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it’s where I need to be. The party planning committee is my backup, and Kevin’s band is my safety.” – Andy Bernard


“They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.” – Andy Bernard

“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life…I haven’t had a very hard life.” – Andy ‘Nard Dog’ Bernard

“What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost.” – Andy Bernard

“When I was a salesman I could just be like “Not my job, not my prob. I’m going to the warehouse to polish my knob. Metaphorically, of course.” – Andy Bernard (Ed Helms)

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What Are Your Favorite Andy Quotes From The Office?

We hope you enjoyed our list of the funniest Andy quotes from The Office. Did we miss any of your favorites? Let us know on social media!

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