Bring the Payne: 25 Hilarious Major Payne Quotes (1995 Movie)

Some Major Payne (in your ass) quotes.

Disclaimer: If you click a PHASR link and make a purchase, at no additional cost to you, we may receive a commission.

hilarious major payne quotes movie featured image

About Major Payne

Major Payne is a comedy that was released in 1995 and is about a marine who is put in charge of a group of loser misfit cadets and tries to motivate them to win a competition. During which he lets loose with some hilarious verbal motivation, the likes of which we haven’t seen since the Drill Sergeant in Apocalypse Now.

Below I’ve included some of the best Major Payne quotes and one-liners. Let me know in the comments if I’ve missed any of your favorites.

Best Major Payne Quotes

“Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I’m gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.” – Major Payne

“Woman, when I was six years old I had a full time job.” – Major Payne

“Maybe what he need is for you to pop your titty out his mouth and let the boy grow up.” – Major Payne

“One! Don’t you feel dumb. Two! Look at you. Three! Don’t you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I’ll stomp you into the ground.” – Major Payne

“If he’s still in there he ain’t happy!” – Major Payne

“See now, what we have here is a failure to communicate. Do not attempt to challenge my authority! I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots into a well-disciplined cadet unit! From this day forward, your sorry asses belong to me! You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose, or even dig in your butts without my say-so! Know this… killing is my business ladies, and business is good!” – Major Payne

“Aw, phooey! Don’t you ever read any of those stories about little people who do big things? Little Red Riding Hood! The Three Little Pigs! Spike Lee! The Little Rascals! How about the Little Engine That Could!” – Major Payne

“I am not your damn brother! Now drop down, give me 20 squat thrusts now!” – Major Payne

“I tell ya, ladies, you’re the prettiest cadets under my command. I oughta change my name to Pimp Daddy Payne.” – Major Payne

“Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum. What beanstalk you fall from?” – Major Payne

“Well, that’s all this is. Now, you better run on up to your room before that man jump out the closet and chop your little head off!” – Major Payne

“Well, let me tell you somethin’, ass-eyes. Let me tell you all somethin’. War has made me very paranoid! And when a man gets to eyeballin’ me, it makes my Agent Orange act up, and I get the urge to kill.” – Major Payne

RELATED: 31 Uncle Ruckus quotes from The Boondocks

“From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be bald like me.” – Major Payne

“I figure if the Marines wanted me to have a wife, they’d of issued me one.” – Major Payne

“All right, ladies. Take off those dresses. Head back to your barracks. Fold ’em up neatly. Let’s move it.” – Major Payne

“LET’S MOVE IT, YOU TURDS! You’ll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis! That’s where you’ll find my sympathy! This ain’t no walk in the park; let’s move it! Hustle, hustle! HUSTLE!” – Major Payne

“Hey, Dumbo! You should be able to fly through those tubes with them big-ass ears, boy!” – Major Payne

“Hey, Williams! You tell Marlee Matlin’s son if he don’t get across that rope, I’m-a hang him with it.” – Major Payne

“Heathcoat. You know, you remind me of the doughboy. If I poke your stomach, will it make you go oh-hoh-hoh-hoh! You know what, I’m gonna help you make room for lunch, bacon-boy. Drop down, give me 30 sit-ups right now! Let’s go! Count ’em out. Let me see that belly roll!” – Major Payne

“Ain’t no need for name-callin’!” – Major Payne

“You’re still a shit sandwich. You’re just not a soggy one. From this moment, you are no longer turds. You have graduated to maggots!” – Major Payne

“You eye me one more time I’ll snatch it out and put it in Heathcoat’s cookie bag!” – Major Payne

“I never said family don’t break up. Don’t you watch Oprah?” – Major Payne

“Major Payne reporting for duty, SIR!” – Major Payne

“Hello cue balls! Welcome to the house of Payne!” – Major Payne

What did you think of these Major Payne quotes?

What did you think of these quotes from Major Payne? Did we miss any of your favorite one-liners?
Let us know on social media.

Make The Other Emails In Your Inbox Jealous.

Get The Best Of PHASR Delivered Weekly

The Perfect Shirt For All Your Special Stains.


Get The Best of PHASR Directly To Your Inbox!

When you sign up for the PHASR newsletter,
you are automatically entered to
win free PHASR merch.