39 Hilarious Maurice Moss Quotes From The IT Crowd

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Funniest Maurice Moss Quotes

Maurice Moss, played by Richard Ayoade, is our favorite lovable nerd from The IT Crowd. His child-like innocence led to a lot of laughs throughout the series…that and his sweet style.

Here are our favorite Maurice Moss quotes from The IT Crowd. If we missed any of your favorites, let us know on social media!

Maurice Moss Quotes From The IT Crowd

1. “Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of…nope that’s too formal. Dear Sir/Madam, FIRE! FIRE! HELP ME! 123 Carenden Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss.”


2. “Roy is stuck underneath a lady’s desk. Look, I know that normally this would be very funny but he’s been under there too long for reasonable explanation. If that woman looks down she’s going to assume he’s a desk rabbit.”

3. “Would I blow everyone’s mind if I ate dessert first?”


4. Jen: What are you laughing at?
Moss: This flipping circuit board, Jen. Some chump has run the data lines right through the power supply. Amateur hour! I got tears in my eyes.

5. “I have to hack into his private company account, it might take some time…there we go.”

6. “Have you been to the toilets on 12th? It’s like going on holiday. I try not to go at home now. I save it up.”

7. “She was some piece of ass.”

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8. “It’s off, that means I turn it on…AND JUST WALK AWAY.”

9. “It’s the new Harry Potter. I got the child edition and the adult edition just to check that there are no differences in the text.”

10. “I can’t go to prison, Roy! They’ll rape the flip out of me!”

11. “Stand upright…now I can’t read it. Oh, not me! I am a giddy goat.”

12. “A plan…let me put on my slightly larger glasses.”

13. “I’ll just put this over here with the rest of the fire.”

14. “Ladies, god bless them. What we would without them? With their ways, their mysterious seasons, the moon, Glenn Close, Sheena Easton, all the different kinds of women.”

15. “Hello Jen, I would love to stay and chat, but I have just received a telephone saying that my father has just killed someone.”

16. Jen: What did you have for breakfast this morning?
Moss: Smarties cereal.
Jen: Oh my god, I didn’t even know Smarties made a cereal.
Moss: They don’t. It’s just Smarties in a bowl with milk.

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17. “I’ve got the blues, Jen!”

18. “I’m sorry for your loss. It’s not like you’ve lost a pen, is it?. It’s so much worse. Would you like a pen? I have a spare one. Please take it.”

19. “I said, do you think you’d die if you drank wee?”

20. “I am so embarrassed, I cannot tell you. It wasn’t a cookery class at all. He wrote it down wrong because his English isn’t good. It turns out he didn’t want to teach me how to cook. He wanted to cook me! He wanted to eat me! I know, egg and my face are in alignment.”

21. “Prepare to put mustard on those words for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame set at gas mark ‘egg on your face’.”

22. Jen: Douglass has asked me to be his PA.
Moss: Oh my god, his PA? OH. MY. GOD. Well, that is something and a half! His PA, wow, whoa! His PA, shut up, his PA?
Jen: It means personal assistant.
Moss: Thank you.


23. “I’ve got better things to do than to talk to friends and flirt with people, thank you very much.”

24. Roy: Let’s do some role play, okay? Do you think that would be a good idea?
Moss: It certainly helped me learn how to buy sandwiches.
Roy: Nice glasses!
Moss: Yeah, uh, maybe the reason I have to wear glasses is because I suffer from short-sightedness and I can’t put contact lenses in because I’m frightened of touching my eyes!

25. “Excuse me, I am trying to concentrate over here and will you watch your ruddy language. My ears are not a toilet.”

26. “I’ve got a gun! I’ve got a ruddy gun! I got a mother-flipping gun!”

27. “I want to go back to being weird. I like being weird. Weird’s all I got. That, and my sweet style.”

28. “Well, you are terrifically old, but don’t worry! Not long now until you are at peace.”

29. “You best put seatbelts on your ears, Roy, because I am going to take them for the ride of their lives.”


30. “This, Jen, is the internet.”

31. “I love this well-traveled high-earner. A woman in the living room, a chef in the kitchen, a prostitute in the bedroom.”

32. Moss: It’s kind of a like a Dungeons and Dragons thing.
Jen: Oh, is it something to do with sex?
Moss: Ha! Far from it, Jen.

33. “Are dragon’s gay, Phil? Mighty warrior-priests wielding golden staves, I suppose they’re gay too?”

34. Girl: I like your glasses.
Moss: I’m afraid they’re not for sale.
Girl: Ha, ha!
Moss: Laugh all you want, they’re not for sale.


35. “I came here to drink milk and kick ass…and I’ve just finished my milk.”

36. Moss: Roy invited me to a gig once and I didn’t really enjoy it.
Roy: You went to the wrong address. You went to a swimming pool. Are you sure it’s not swimming pools that you find confusing and annoying?
Moss: You’re right. It’s not music I hate, it’s swimming.

37. “Why do I keep my phone in my trouser pocket. It’s too far, but look at this. Top pocket, yeah? Not as far. Yeah? Look at that. See how smooth that is? Ohhh mama! Did you see that? You wish you saw that!”


38. Roy: Use bad language, Moss. Please, it will make you feel better.

39. “I may be able to get an iPhone without giving any money to Apple! I’ll be living the dream!

What Are Your Favorite Maurice Moss Quotes?

We hope you enjoyed our list of Maurice Moss quotes. Did we miss one of your favorites? Let us know on social media!

About The IT Crowd

The IT Crowd was a television series broadcast on Channel 4 in Britain. The series follows the antics of the IT department for a large corporation. The IT Crowd had an excellent and hilarious lineup of Chris O’Dowd, Katherine Parkinson, Richard Ayoade, Noel Fielding, and Matt Berry.

The IT Crowd ran for four seasons from 2006 to 2013. It can currently be streamed on Netflix.

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