29 Of The Funniest Michael Scott Quotes From The Office

Check out our 29 favorite Michael Scott quotes from the American television series The Office.

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Funniest Michael Scott Quotes

The Office may have left Netflix, but it still holds a special place in all of our hearts. Michael Scott may be the best (or worst) boss ever. Though he says inappropriate things at times (or all of the time), you cannot underestimate the love he has for his employees and his workplace.

Today we wanted to honor the World’s Best Boss by sharing some of the funniest pieces of wisdom he has shared over the years. Here are our favorite hilarious Michael Scott quotes. If you have any favorite Michael Scott quotes that we missed, let us know on social media!

Michael Scott Quotes

1. “Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.”

2. “If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.”

3. “Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”


4. “I’m an early bird and a night owl. so I’m wise and have worms.”

5. “I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It’s every parents dream.”

6. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little ‘stitious’.”

7. There’s no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s called a joke.”


8. “The worst thing about prison was the Dementors.”

9. “There were these huge bins of clothes and everybody was rifling through them like crazy. And I grabbed one and it fit! So, I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.”

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10. “I love my employees even though I hit one of you with my car.”

11. “I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.”

12. “Hi, I’m Date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?”


13. “I guess the attitude that I’ve tried to create here is that I”m a friend first and a boss second and probably an entertainer third.”

14. “I’ve got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.”

15. “Webster’s Dictionary defines wedding as: The fusing of two metals with a hot torch.”

16. “It’s a pimple, Phyllis. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive.”

17. “Pizza: the great equalizer.”

18. “Is there something besides ‘Mexican’ you prefer to be called? Something less offensive?”

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19. “Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly, we didn’t connect, I was miserable. Now, I am in the best relationship of my life, with the same woman. Love is a mystery.”

20. “You will not die! Stanley! Barack is President! You are black, Stanley!”

21. “Well, well, well, how the turntables.”

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22. “I don’t want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who’s undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don’t think that’s too much to ask?”

23. “You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?”

24. “I learned a while back that if I do not text 9-1-1, people do not return my calls. Um, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.”

25. “I have cause. It’s be-cause I hate him.”

26. “You don’t know me, you’ve just seen my penis.”

27. “Dwight, you ignorant slut!”

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Hilarious Michael Scott Quotes

28. “It’s Britney, bitch.”

29. “That’s what she said.”

What Are Your Favorite Michael Scott Quotes?

We hope you enjoyed our list of the funniest Michael Scoot quotes. Did we miss any of your favorites? Let us know on social media!

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