Comedy, TV

Nikki Glaser’s Best Jokes From Comedy Central Roasts

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About Nikki Glaser

When it comes to humor, there’s one network that bases its whole personality on it, and it isn’t QVC. No, Comedy Central has produced some of the most top-tier comedic art since its branding in 1991 and when it came up with The Roast Of… series, it really set the tone for how comedy could be delivered.

Now, generally speaking, these are set up to roast one individual in particular but it is par for the course for there to be plenty of damage spread around the other comedians as well. Roasts are supposed to be ribbings of a selected individual, but imagine if some of these comedians had jokes like Rocky boxed ribs.

One of the best to show up and return many times over is Nikki Glaser. Sure she has long blonde hair, long legs, but more importantly, she has a long sense of humor that will not let up, likely because she started stand-up at 18 and has been doing it for 20 years since! The belle of the ball never runs short of heat for the primary target or her comedian compatriots, but here are some of our favorite jokes that Nikki Glaser roasted with.

Nikki Glaser’s Best Roast Jokes

(To Alec Baldwin) What an honor to be here roasting Justin Beiber’s wife’s oldest, fattest uncle. – Nikki Glaser

(To Alec Baldwin) I’m such a fan of the Baldwins. I’ve never been so sure that four people have buried a hooker together. – Nikki Glaser

(To Blake Griffin) Blake, you look like a black guy that got made by a printer running out of ink. – Nikki Glaser

(To Bruce Willis) This is a real big personal moment for me, to be here roasting my dead cousin’s second-favorite action star. – Nikki Glaser

(To Bruce Willis) You had an amazing action film career until Jason Statham started balding. – Nikki Glaser

(To Bruce Willis) A lot of people don’t know that Bruce is a very talented musician…because he isn’t. – Nikki Glaser

(To Chris Red) You always dress like a nine-year-old that just found a thousand dollars on the sidewalk. – Nikki Glaser

(To David Spade) David Spade, the host with the most…stepstools in your apartment. – Nikki Glaser

(To David Spade) David, you’ve seriously influenced so many female comics…haircuts. – Nikki Glaser

(To Dennis Rodman) I first met Dennis just earlier tonight when he tried to sell me incense on the sidewalk. I don’t want any, okay? – Nikki Glaser

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(To Dom Irrera) Dom Irrera, you sleepy potato. – Nikki Glaser

(To Dom Irrera) I love you, but how did you have a stroke on both sides of your face? – Nikki Glaser

(To Edward Norton) He was so hot in Fight Club , right? When he was Brad Pitt. – Nikki Glaser

(To Edward Norton) Hey buddy. Ed looks to me like if a marionette became a boy, and then that boy became an asshole. – Nikki Glaser

(To Jeff Ross) You look like if Popeye only ate Popeye’s. – Nikki Glaser

(To Jeff Ross) Your face has a dad-bod. – Nikki Glaser

(To Jeff Ross) You have the sex appeal of a gymnastics doctor. – Nikki Glaser

(To Jeff Ross) Jeff, if you changed your name to a symbol, it would be the Arby’s logo. – Nikki Glaser

(To Jeff Ross) I’ll admit, I’ve imagined Jeff without clothes, It’s how I stay thin. – Nikki Glaser

(To Jewel) Jewel is here, or as I call her ‘Trailer Swift’. – Nikki Glaser

(To Jewel) Jewel, I do not want to bad mouth you since god already did. – Nikki Glaser

(To Jewel) Your teeth are like The Spice Girls, you know, they’re all different colors and they’re, like, doing their own thing. It’s fun. – Nikki Glaser

(To Joseph Gordon Levitt) He’s so cute, so adorable. I bet you eat pussy but only with the crust cut off first. – Nikki Glaser

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(To Martha Stewart) Martha Stewart, shank you for being here. – Nikki Glaser

(To Martha Stewart) Surprisingly, Martha said that prison food wasn’t that bad, just as long as it was clean-shaven. She loves attention to detail. – Nikki Glaser

(To Martha Stewart) My mom has learned everything from Martha Stewart about cooking and cleaning, and withholding affection. – Nikki Glaser

(To Peyton Manning) You’re like, the Tom Brady of being in commercials. – Nikki Glaser

(To Rob Lowe) Rob defies age…restrictions. – Nikki Glaser

(To Rob Lowe) I had such a crush on you when I was a little girl. If only I had known that is when I had my best shot. – Nikki Glaser

(To Rob Riggle) Rob Riggle, I want to thank you so much for fighting the War Against Terrorism…and subtlety. – Nikki Glaser

(To Robert DeNiro) Robert DeNiro is here…looking like ALF. – Nikki Glaser

(To Robert DeNiro) I can’t even believe I get to share this stage with you tonight, Robert DeNiro, and by this stage I mean the final one of your life. – Nikki Glaser

(To Sean Hayes) You look like the little man on top of a wedding cake that a bakery would refuse to make for you. – Nikki Glaser

(To Sean Hayes) Will and Grace was really the best…you can do. – Nikki Glaser