Ron Swanson, the government worker that hates the government. Ron, played by Nick Offerman, serves as the antithesis to Parks and Recreation’s heroine Leslie Knope. Leslie believes in the power of government and its ability to serve the general population. That said, at the end of the day, Ron and Leslie make a great team and have one of the best friendships on Parks and Recreation.
What makes Ron Swanson such a great character is that he is a loner that operates outside the confines of typical society. He is tough, hard-headed, and opinionated, but he often does not delve into the drama crafted by the other characters. Though he is the opposite of Leslie, Ron also acts as a balancer for many other characters.
Here are our favorite Ron Swanson quotes from NBC’s Parks and Recreation. If we missed any of your favorites, let us know on social media!
Best Ron Swanson Quotes
1. “Hello, Diane. I have brought you flowers, also chocolates, and some grout cleaner. I noticed you needed grout cleaner so I brought that too.”
2. “I’m always looking for new investments. Ever since I got my first job at the age of nine, I have put all my money into gold which is currently at an all-time high. I have a certain amount of money. I’ve said too much.”
3. Leslie: Ron, thank you for agreeing to see me.
Ron: I didn’t. You just walked in here and started talking.
4. “Capitalism, god’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”
5. “On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them to go to hell one last time.”
6. “Would I get married again? Absolutely. If you don’t believe in love what’s the point of living.”
7. Ron: I’m hungry.
Leslie: Okay, well don’t be such a baby. I cooked you some bacon for a trail snack.
Ron: I ate it already. I could smell it in your purse before I even parked my car, and now it’s gone and I hate everything.
8. “People are idiots, Leslie.”
9. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying, skim milk, which is water lying about being milk.”
10. “I’m actually not sure how much money I have, but I do know how many pounds of money I have.”
11. “Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night if it meant nothing got done.”
12. “There are no sure things in life, son.”
13. “Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…I worry what you just heard was: ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs’. What I said was: ‘Give me all the bacon and eggs you have’. Do you understand?”
14. “Leslie’s going around asking everybody if they are better off than they were a year ago. All I care about is that I’m the same. If I’m the same as I was a year ago, I’m happy.”
15. Ron: Thank you all for being here, let’s get started.
Leslie: Wow! Great attitude, Ron!
Ron: Sorry, I was talking to these ribs.
16. “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”
17. “Fish for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”
18. “Hello Ron, it’s Ron. If you’re watching this it means once again you have danced with the devil. Right now you are probably thinking ‘Tammy’s changed. We will be happy together.’ But you are only thinking that because she is a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain.”
19. “I couldn’t care less about the commendation, but Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan’s Steakhouse, the best damn steakhouse in the damn state. I have taken a picture of every steak I’ve ever eaten there.”
20. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”
21. “I don’t like you, but I respect the effort.”
22. “Welcome to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Awards, or as I like to call it, heaven.”
23. “At this very moment, Leslie is throwing her in front of a freight train named Tammy, for me and you. Leslie is a wonderful loyal friend who is very important in my life, but I would sooner visit Europe than have something romantic happen between us.”
24. Ron: Hello again, I’m Ron Swanson and I am still taking your calls, hopefully about tonight’s Gala. You’re on the air.
Caller: Hi, what’s wrong with Joan?
Ron: She has a bad hangover which she is pretending is allergies.
Caller: Is she going to be okay?
Ron: Wouldn’t know, never been hungover. After I’ve had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak pan-fried in salted butter. I eat that, put on a paid of wet socks, and go to sleep.
25. “I suffer from a disorder called ‘sleep fighting’.”
26. “What’s a not gay way to ask him to go camping with me?”
27. “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I am not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”
28. “Libertarianism is all about individual liberty and it should never be defined by the terms liberal and conservative.”
29. Ann Perkins: I gotta tell you, Ron. You were absolutely and totally right.
Ron Swanson: I know. Stop talking and get out.
30. “I work hard to make sure my department is as small and ineffective as possible.”
31. “It reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands for my 6th birthday. I couldn’t choose, so I slaughtered both of them…and they were delicious.”
32. “Chris, I feel I should remind you that I do not believe that the position or the entire government should exist.”
33. “I will walk deeper into the belly of the beast if it means I’m able to further limit reckless government spending. I mean, I have so many ideas. Some are simple, like ‘take down traffic lights’, and ‘eliminate the post office’. The bigger ones will be tougher, like, ‘bring all of this crumbling to the ground’.”
34. “Well, I’ve never been one for meeting new people, or doing new things, or eating new types of food, or traveling outside of southern Indiana. I’ve had the same haircut since 1978, and I’ve driven the same car since 1991. I’ve used the same wooden comb for three decades. I have one bowl. I still have my milk delivered by horse.”
35. “Every summer, Leslie throws a barbeque to thank the parks and maintenance staff. It’s horrifying. Barbeques should be about one thing: good shared meat.”
36. “Crying, acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”
37. “I have a joke for you. The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently.”
38. Diane: Am I interrupting something important?
Ron: Impossible, I work for the government.
39. “I like saying no…it lowers their enthusiasm.”
40. “I’m just gonna stay angry. I find that relaxes me.”
41. “Hello, Diane. I have brought you flowers, also chocolates, and some grout cleaner. I noticed you needed grout cleaner so I brought that too.”
42. “When people get a little too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know, I don’t really care about them.”
43. “I call this turf ‘n’ turf. Its a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I’m going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.”
44. “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.”
45. “I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Lil’ Sebastian had passed.”
46. “If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.”
47. “Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.”
48. “When I walked in this morning and saw that the flag was half-mast, I thought ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!”
49. “Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.”
What Are Your Favorite Ron Swanson Quotes?
We hope you enjoyed our list of Ron Swanson quotes. Were there any that we missed? Let us know on social media!