The 44 Funniest Jerry Seinfeld Quotes From Seinfeld

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Funny Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

To have a show about nothing, you have to have somebody that makes it everything, so what’s the deal with Jerry Seinfeld? Jerry brings the show together portraying a stand-up comedian coming to success in New York surrounded by some life friends and making good with a very kooky neighbor.

He’s not just a comedian. He’s a life coach, a ladies’ man, and a home away from home for his inner circle. Here are some of the best quotes/scenes from the slick, silver-tongued Seinfeld in our opinion.

RELATED: The 29 Best Michael Scott Quotes From The Office

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

George Costanza: I’ve been searching for someone for a long time. Now that search is over.
Jerry Seinfeld: Now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.

Kramer: Stay away from the chicken. It’s bad. Bad Chicken! Mess you up!
Owner of the Chicken place: That’s not going to be good for business.
Jerry: That’s not going to be good for anybody

Jerry: Let me ask you this…Is there any Tampax at your house?
George: …Yeah.
Jerry: I’ll tell you what you got here, you got yourself a girlfriend.
George: Oh no, no!

Jerry: I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up.
Manya: I HAD A PONY!

Elaine Benes: When you’re with a guy and he tells you that he has to get up early, what does that mean?
Jerry Seinfeld: It means he’s lying.

George: Who’s he?
Jerry: He’s somebody.
George: What about me?
Jerry: You’re nobody
George: Why him, why not me?!
Jerry: He’s good, you’re not.
George: I’m better than him
Jerry: You’re worse, much MUCH worse.

George: From the time that I left the room…
Jerry: Wait that’s you? I think the M&M should be you.

George: When you go into a store, does it bother you that they make the security guard just stand there all day?
Jerry: No.
Goerge: Pfft. Didn’t bother Susan either. That’s why I’m different, I can sense the slightest human suffering.
Jerry: Are you sensing anything right now?

Jerry: It’s a pig in a complaint department.
Elaine: Yeah and he’s saying, ”I wish I was taller!” Haha, See, that’s his complaint!
Jerry: I get it.
Elaine: Do you? Because that’s not a NORMAL complaint!
Jerry: How about if it was something like, “I can’t find my receipt, my place is a sty!”

Kramer: I thought you said she stinks.
Jerry: She does stink and she should quit but I don’t want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route of years of rejection and failure until she’s spit out the bottom of the porn industry.

George: I’ve never felt confident in one particular aspect.
Jerry: Below the equator?
George: Yeah.

Jerry: She’s too good. I mean she’s giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can’t be with someone like that!
George: I see what you mean.
Jerry: I mean I admire the hell out of her You can’t have sex with someone you admire!
George: Where’s the depravity?
Jerry: No depravity! I look at her and I can’t even imagine she has sex.
(Elaine enters the scene)
Jerry (motions towards her): On the other hand

Hippie: You’re not a patient, you’re a customer!
Jerry (thinking): And you’re not a doctor but you play one in real life!

George: She could come to the party tomorrow and read Glenn’s lips for me
Jerry: What?
George: We bring her to the party and she tells me what Glenn is saying about me.
Jerry: She’s not a novelty act, George, or you’d hire her out for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

George: All I know this guy went out of his way to not invite you. How am I gonna feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder?
Jerry: The way I feel when I go places with you?

Lady: Jerry, hi!

Jerry: Anyway I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Watley, I have a suspicion that he’s converted to Judaism purely for the jokes.
Priest: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian!

George: Alright, how about this – We wait ’til we get to your street corner we see Elaine and Kramer then we get out, they can’t shoot us in the city.
Jerry: Yeah, no one’s ever been shot in the city

Kramer: How are you going to be the executor of my living will? You see, you can’t let go!
Jerry: Trust me Kramer, given the legal opportunity I will kill you.

Jerry (answers phone): Hello?
George: Jerry, Jerry, I’m trapped under my desk Steinbrenner’s in the room. Ya gotta help me!
Jerry: Who is this?
George: Jerry!

Jerry (answers phone): Yea?
George: Jerry! These Japanese guys had sake in the hot tub, you gotta get them out of the drawers and down here or I don’t have a focus group for selling the pilot to Japanese TV.
Jerry: Uncle Leo?
George: JERRY!!!!

Jerry: So we go into NBC , we tell them we got an idea for a show about nothing.
George: Exactly!
Jerry: They say,”What’s your show about?” I say, ”Nothing!”
George: There you go!
Jerry: I think you may have something here.

Jerry: I’m telling you she’s good-looking!
George: What about the body, what kind of body?
Jerry: Good body, nice body.
George: How nice?
Jerry: Nice.
George: Just nice?
Jerry: Pretty nice.
George: Really good?
Jerry: Really very nice and good.
George: What about Personality?
Jerry (interrupting): Great personality. Funny, bright.
George: Smarter than me? I don’t want anyone smarter than me.
Jerry: How could she be smarter than you?

Jerry: Sheila!
Soup Nazi: HEY! What is this? You’re kissing in my line? NOBODY KISSES IN MY LINE!
Sheila: I can kiss anywhere I want to
Soup Nazi: You just cost yourself a soup!
Sheila: How dare you! Come on Jerry, we’re leaving!
(Jerry Stays)
(Sheila Returns)
Sheila: Jerry!
Jerry (surveys the Soup Nazi and collects his thoughts): Do I know you?

Delores: What are you doing?
Jerry: Oh, I was just looking for some gum or a mint.
Delores: Oh I have Junior Mints!
Jerry (dropping the purse he’s rifling through): No!

“I’m not here just defending myself but all those pickers out there who’ve been caught. Each and every one of them who has to suffer the shame and humiliation because of people like you. Are we not human? If we pick, do we not bleed? I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!” – Jerry Seinfeld

Lady: You have a little something on your face.
Jerry: I can get it
Lady: N-no, N-no, you’re missing it, its higher. Uses hand to clear Jerry’s face, her hand is a man’s It’s an eyelash, make a wish!
Jerry: I don’t want to
Lady: Make a wish!
Jerry: Okay. (Blows eyelash off her finger and stares disappointingly at her man hand.) Didn’t come true.

Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!

Elaine: Perhaps there’s more to Newman, than meets the eye.
Jerry: No, there’s less.
Elaine: It’s possible.
Jerry: No, it isn’t. I’ve looked into his eyes, he’s pure evil.
Elaine: He’s an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.
Jerry: Yeah he’s a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.

“What were you thinking, what was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity, where did you come up with that? You’re not artistic and you have no integrity!” – Jerry

Jerry: You can’t turn down $50 for a $6 rye.
Old lady: No? Watch me!
Jerry (grabs her): I want that rye lady
Old Lady: Help! Someone help!
Jerry: Shut up you old bag!

Jerry: You don’t know what it’s like in there! All night long things are creaking and cracking and that red light is burning my brain
Elaine: You look a little stressed.
Jerry: Oh I’m stressed.
Elaine: So Kramer what am I supposed to do, if I don’t have that fur hat by 4 o’clock they’re gonna take me down like Nixon!
Jerry: You know my friend, Bob Sacramento?
Elaine: Thought he was Kramer’s friend?
Jerry: Well he called last night about 3 a.m. and we got to talking, he sells Russian hats down in Battery Park, 40 bucks.

Delores: You don’t know my name do you?
Jerry: Yes I do
Delores: What is it?
Jerry: It rhymes with a female body part.
Delores: What is it?
Jerry:…Mulva? Uh uh…Gipple? Rollyola? Oh….Oh…. DELORES!

“Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don’t stare at it, it’s too risky! You get a sense of it, then you look away.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“See you can never be late for a plane with a girl because a girl runs like a girl with the little steps and the arms flailing out. You wanna make this plane you gotta run like a man, Get your knees up!” – Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry: Don’t you see what’s going on here? No boxers, no jockeys.
Elaine: Ooooooohhhh
Jerry: The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of Gabardine.

Kramer: This pirate trend that she’s come up with Jerry, this is gonna be the new look for the 90s. You’re gonna be the first pirate!
Jerry: But I don’t wanna be a pirate!

“I can’t take it anymore. She’s driving me crazy, I can’t sleep, I can’t leave the house or I’m here climbing the walls. Meanwhile, I’m dating a virgin, I’m in this contest, something’s gotta give!” – Jerry Seinfeld

George: You don’t think I can?
Jerry: No chance
George: You think you could?
Jerry: Well I know I could hold out longer than you.
George: Care to make it interesting?
Jerry: Sure, how much?
George: $100
Jerry: You’re on.
Kramer: Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this.
Jerry: You?
Kramer: Yea.
Jerry: You’ll be out before we get the check.

Jerry: I don’t know, my bathing suit? That’s a little familiar. I don’t want your boys down there
Kramer: What’s the matter with my boys?
Jerry: Your boys should stay in their neighborhood.

“Really I’ll tell you knowing you is like going out to the jungle. I never know what I’m going to find next and I’m real scared” – Jerry Seinfeld

Car Rental Clerk: I’m sorry, we have no mid-size at the moment.
Jerry: I don’t understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?
Car Rental Clerk: Yes we do, unfortunately, we ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That’s why you have the reservation.
Car Rental Clerk: I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don’t think you do. If you did, I’d have a car. So you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation: The holding.

Jerry (answers phone): Hello?
TMI Caller: Hi, Would you be interested in switching over to TMI long-distance service?
Jerry: Oh gee, I can’t talk right now, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you later?
TMI Caller: Uh, I’m sorry – we’re not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don’t want people calling you at home.
TMI Caller: No.
Jerry: Well now you know how I feel.

Jerry: So what are you saying, you didn’t like my act? So that’s it?
Lady: I can’t be with someone if I don’t respect what they do.
Jerry: You’re a cashier!

What Are Your Favorite Jerry Seinfeld Quotes?

We hope you enjoyed the list of our favorite Jerry Seinfeld quotes from the television series Seinfeld. What are some of your favorite quotes from the NY funnyman? Let us know on social media!

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